This week was one of those weeks where I was about to say F*ck it I am quitting this job. As many of you know I have been in a new role since May. A role that I is completely new and NO remanence of my last role. I now work in Project management as a Junior Project manager supporting the projects and PM in the Utilities’ industry.
I have been under STRESS, sometimes extreme stress as I push to learn the job, but what has been even more difficult is the PM I work under. Please note SHE is NOT my boss but she is an important part of my job because I am attached to her and project. Since meeting Blanca, she appeared nice and for the most part she is.
But being that she has been with the company for many years, I am considered a contractor and not a regular employee, but contractors are a perfectly normal part of this industry, similar to the NSA, CIA, where this labor is necessary.
A little dive into what I do. I work in Utilities under Major Projects, which are projects that are over 25 million dollars and a part of the distribution and transmission division, adding another layer I am part of the Licensure and permits division under that. Basically, before anything can be built, our department gets the permission of State, Local and federal agencies to proceed with the project, which requires a lot of time as these projects can take up to 10 years to complete.
There are multiple stages and phases we must get to before any construction can take place, because construction is the shortest phase, sometimes 18-24 months long.
The job is stressful enough just to learn new techniques, new ways, policies, and procedures, correcting past work behaviors. But to top it off, having a manager nitpick, critique , bordering on harassment, because she wants things her way.
I am not saying I will NOT do things her way, I NEED TIME. TIME to learn, TIME to make Mistakes and UNDERSTANDING, not criticism and that is exactly what I have been going through.
This week was almost the straw that broke me, something I have never felt to do in a very long time. What triggered me is a day of errors, errors equated to being new and learning, but not good enough for the PM, she was obliviously frustrated with me and from my observation embarrassed, which from the looks of it doesn’t happen often. I have been embarrassed, especially in front of a client, this was in front of fellow colleagues. This PM has already gone into detail with me that she DOES NOT want our department and her to look like fools, like we do not know what we are doing.
I feel honestly, I am in the shadow of the previous person in this role as she has spoken VERY highly of her and now I am her replacement, but I am no replacement, I am my own person, who makes errors, who needs time to adjust. I will also note that I have not gotten a lot of training, as the person filling in before I got there was in this role for 6 months, but she was with me for 3 weeks and then off she went to a different department. The PM is not a Trainer, she has no interest in training me or showing me how to do things that is up to me to learn on my own.
I have had some support from my supervisor and others who do the job that I do which has made my learning manageable.
It was Tuesday that was the day in a way I will never forget, the end of the day when I was specifically told that “I need to get my act together or this was not going to work”. At that exact moment, I decided to write an VERY long e-mail to my supervisor. I did hold off, but each let my manager know I was not doing well and was concerned but said we would talk tomorrow.
Tomorrow came and I was stern, ready, focused, That conversation changed me and I was determined to change my approach, my approach to be cold, calculated, unfriendly just a worker robot.
It was all hands on deck that day as Blanca pulled me aside and spoke with me kindly, didn’t apologize but explained her expectations of me and we had a good conversation and went on our way to work.
I am still unsure how I feel right now as I really don’t wish to give up this opportunity. It really bothers me that she runs to my supervisor and manager, unsure what is being said but having trust that whatever happens, happens and GOD is in control. I just got through a torturous few month with a job.
It has been a very long time I have had these type of personal conflict issues as that is what I equate this too, she has a completely different personality, a women of power, a women who has been doing the same job with the same company for over 20 years, of course she has clout and importance as I am just a nobody there, I know my place but I need to learn and grow and then eventually get the hell out of there as I give myself 3 to 3.5 years in this specific role and then I will move on, so there is an end date to this role before I move on to bigger and better things.
As of late I have been unable to sleep, as the wheels in my mind run all night thinking about how I can be better, be a better employee, stop making mistakes and appease the people around me so they are happy with my work, I am failing in my eyes.
Many will tell me that is normal to feel this stress, it will go away in time and that I need to relax, but in all honestly, I am NOT the problem, the problem is the lack of understanding, the lack of training and lack of time to learn, I am human, not a robot.
Part of me greatly regrets turning down the other role, but this role no consolation prize, it’s a tough job with value to offer me and for my career, but just need to stick with it, do my best and let go of certain feelings as like any person worry about the future , tomorrow and where this job will lead instead of focusing on just being better each day and in time, I will stop being hassled and have handle on the role.
I am not completely hopeless, I am doing what is expected of me, attending meetings, corresponding with the teams and doing my job and trying not to miss a beat.
I have to remember each day, time is precious and take this time to learn the job, not to let those negative people, even those we work with discourage us in our pursuit. What’s so difficult is why can’t we as happy have the ability just to go to work, be happy, enjoy our job, have peace, come home and enjoy life like many do. Instead, I constantly worry, come home stressed, have trouble sleeping, and start the day all over again.
Finally, during my course of anxiousness, stress my mind tends to go dark, so dark that I think about death, thinking would my family be ok. Thinking that my family could have a fresh start, that I could be at peace with the stress I am experiencing, that my mind never rests.
I would like to think that another position or Job I would feel different, that position I turn down for this job, I would be happier, but honestly who knows. At this point I must try to push forward, learn, live, be happy and work towards moving forward.
Joe Meyers Adventures 