I am broken once again as the devastation of another job loss is such a short period of time. It just happened on recently but deep down I can say I felt that this job would lead to this for some reason.
My dream became a Nightmare
This job was especially personal to me because it was a place, I had wanted to be apart of for so very long, like over 10 years. It was exciting to get the opportunity, but in the end the opportunity was not what I expected it to be.
I was part of the project management department, and I was what is called a project specialist, which is a support role. Like most roles that start off everything is good, you meet new people, new duties, new responsibilities, ready and willing to learn.
For those interested I was a Senior Project Specialist for SCE (Southern California Edison) in the Major Projects Organization and more specifically in the Licensure division meaning I get the opportunity to work on complex projects in Electrical Transmission and Distribution. The projects I am apart of take years to complete anywhere from 5 to 10 years or more. Part of the reason the projects take so long is due to our role of getting proper permits and licensures with local , state and federal agencies, one being the California Public Utilities Commission and other agencies like California Department of Fish and Wildlife. I work each day with many within legal , regulatory and environmental fields working together to make sure we dot every I and cross every T meeting strict guidelines before construction can begin.
I would be entering a new industry, the utilities industry, having been in the software industry and personal finance and banking industry. For the first few weeks I was assigned to a colleague who would train me until she was moved to her new role with the company, having only 3 weeks with her and then I would on my own. For many this is plenty of time, but for some we need more support.
Not that I can not work independently, self-develop myself, I can and will but still need support, but most importantly I need those who I work closest with, I need patience to learn and to work with me, something I soon saw would not be possible. I worked directly under the Project Manager (PM), a woman who has been with the company in her role over twenty years.
Respected, but More Than Met The Eye
A women very different then I have worked with before, older than me, an immigrant with a strong Spanish accent, confident and capable, but ultimately not a trainer, not someone who was going to or willing to teach me, but allow me to observe her, learn from her but having never been a specialist herself.
Over the course of weeks, naturally I made mistakes along the way and at FIRST she was ok with my mistakes and understood, but slowly lost patience with me , starting to make comments about my future with the company, more specifically telling me “You need to get your act together or this job will not work out for you”.
It is my view that when someone goes out their way to make and say this, they have already made up their mind on my future and would no longer be supported. After this I was shook and that evening, I was different from my family, angry but said to myself that I would change, change my mindset, be different. Going in with a different mindset, a mindset of coldness, a mindset NOT to be myself with my kind nature.
She e-mailed me asking me a question, I was straight to the point no pleasantries. She noticed my change in demeanor and shortly asked to speak with me, bringing me into an empty conference room. She asked if I was ok, and she could see that I wasn’t and I told her I was not ok based on yesterdays events.
I advised her I was not sleeping as of late, thinking about my position, how I could be better and improve and she assured me that it will take time, coming off as caring and compassionate, trying to soothe my feelings feeling we had come to an understanding, but I was wrong.
Her behavior appeared to get worse, she now becoming passive aggressive with me as worked to ignore her but starting to see that she essentially was becoming a bully to me. Something interesting I learned about her was that this behavior was not uncommon, that the person who was had trained me also had a complicated relationship with the women and in fact that is why she was going to a different PM and after speaking with her, she confirmed the behavior. Others I worked with were especially open about her without me even asking.
The Final Straw
As a contractor I do not have all the inherent rights that a regular employee has, I do get health benefits, but ultimately my standing in the company is not the same as I do not get the same resources like HR like a normal employee does and in essence I can easily be gotten rid of, fired and from my own observation I am not as valued as a regular employee.
This last week the main contact with the contracting company reached out to me, an incredible nice gentleman who has been the person who worked with me to arrange the interview, negotiate pay and onboard me. This gentleman is an agent of a larger organization who works to employee this company with contractors where I worked for him, and the company was apart of is his client/customer.
He brought to my attention his meeting with the manager, supervisor and the PM I was supporting, and the comments being made by her about my performance. The comments were outrageous, mentioned my poor performance, my writing skills, my failure to use technology, all lies.
Yes, there were areas I struggled with at first but completely one sided. Then I was present with a plan he wanted me to take part in, a PIP (Performance Improvement Plan) which is basically putting me on probation for 60 days, I found offensive and just wrong having only been there a short time. I inquired about placing me with another PM, but deep down I knew that I may not be possible, which led me to giving my two-week notice.
In my gut I knew if I entertained this PIP plan, her behavior would only get worse putting me in a horrible mental state for the next 60 days. Yes, I would still have a job for sixty days and my contactor/Employer encouraged me to be part of the PIP plan and to fight for my position. I have NEVER is over my twenty-year career have ever been on a PIP plan and never have experience this before.
I admit like anyone else I am human and need time to learn, that does not take away from my professionalism, I am someone who has skillsets, knowledge and know how in projects and complex systems, I am not someone who just graduated college yesterday and I am not someone who is just starting out in life.
It’s painful because this is my dream company and in no way did, I want to just walk away and I could have stayed stuck it out, took more abuse for the sake of seeing if things would get better. But I have lived in torment for months now, not at peace and unable to sleep.
It has been hard enough being laid off in March, trying to recover as bills, rent continued to pile up. I am trying to maintain my mental health, be positive but It has been difficult and this is nail in the coffin I know I will not be able to forget this failure, but I must move on.
I do feel shame that I could not just accept the behavior, but I don’t feel I should have too. Being that the company I worked for prides itself on treating its people with respect, in valuing its employees and contractors. I would think that the manager and supervisor would have fought for me, but deep down I know I have no standing and that the 20-year employee has more value than me and they are unwilling to have her change because they know she will NOT.
In today’s corporate America, there is what is written and then there’s true action. I am someone who chooses to treat others with respect, grow, adapt and change, but others are unwilling.
This is certainly a lesson, I never thought I would learn but did, hopefully a lesson for us all.
I pray GOD will open new doors, in the meantime GOD only knows what the future holds and what he has planned, but I will have faith in new doors being opened.
For those who have struggled with a difficult decision, it may be simple for many to say to stick with bad behavior, ignore those people, speak up, FIGHT, its not easy. Its not that I am unwilling to fight, but if I felt I had a chance to win the battle then I would fight. Ultimately I felt I was not Fully supported and although there were people who wanted to support me, the ONE person I really support from to do my job was not going to support me, in the long run continue her abusive behavior.
Deep down I feel GOD attempted to warn me about this role, but I did not listen and this was the end result, GOD knew what was going to happen but gives us CHOICE and we have to deal with the consequences. GOD is all knowing and has a plan, now I must continue to do my part and just apply myself again.
Joe Meyers Adventures 