My dark thoughts continue as I am falling into worry and hopelessness. For many and, I have only not been working for two weeks, but prior to that not working from March to May, which is not a relatively long time.
As of late I have been waking up at 3:56 AM and yes, I know that is a strange time but that is the witching hour. I worry for the financial safety of my family, even though I am working part time teaching, my wife is working PT, I am getting some unemployment benefits and I have some savings but still with the high cost of living in California, the money goes fast.
Each day I search for new opportunities on LinkedIn, Zip recruiter and other sites having had a couple of interviews, one which was a 2nd I am waiting to hear back from soon, one that was not a good fit from the employer and then another one with my old company. I know for many jobs searching is painful, but temporary, but some have longer term unemployment, which is my fear.
Linkedin, more like DepresdIn
Going on LinkedIn can be one of one of most depressing places to be as hundreds and thousands share their stories of pain, hardships, unemployment.
Sadly, my mind is going dark as I think about death, as I think my exit strategy, as I think what life would be like for my daughter and wife if I was no longer around. I also think would my soul stay behind or would I go directly to heaven.
Being someone who has an interest in the paranormal I think if I was to die prematurely before my time, would I still feel the need for a purpose to stay behind to make sure my wife and daughter are ok.
I know my wife and daughter and my sister especially would be quite devastated emotionally and financially although I do have life insurance and before you say well life insurance doesn’t cover that it does, but there is a certain amount of time one can’t as there are what’s called contestability clauses for two years and I also have life and disability insurance on the car. I am worth more dead than alive at this point in my life sorry to say.
I am conflicted at the same time of these thoughts as I am a believer in Christ, as messages have spoken to me about having faith and having faith and that GOD is in control and that he will provide. Of course, I believe because I have seen his power work time and time again right in the nick of time.
As I always tell the LORD I am open to whichever direction you want to send me. I am thinking that yes I will be open to other positions that even pay less for now to get over this hump, something most people don’t want to do because we have bills, expenses, rent like anyone else. Each day waiting and waiting and waiting, getting an interview, being declined.
I can never get used to the email declines, some I could care less from companies I have applied with, but the ones that hurt are the companies that I know I want to work for and decline me.
The other painful situations is going through two or three interviews and then the decline, so close almost like stab in the heart questioning what I did wrong, then trying to find comfort to keep trying.
So far, I have applied for over 150 jobs, with a job interview, but each day I will continue to apply, apply and apply.
During this time, I also find comfort in doing my daily exercise, clearing my head and also music, but ill admit the music I listen to sometimes pushes me further in despairs, often songs that have suicidal and depression themes, really, I have been listening to Runway train by Soul Asylum.
I have also listened to Papa Roach, Bad flower and Linkin Park among others, not realizing there were so many songs about depression and suicide, but it makes sense as many artists’ struggle.
I will continue to try to remain positive, wait patiently, but I will say that I cannot do anything at this point anyways because it would surely leave my family in dire financial straits if I was to die today.
Lastly television has gave me some comfort as I have seen some of my favorite shows characters go through difficulties, giving me a laugh at times, getting my mind off my troubles, but my mind is still troubled, but writing helps.
Joe Meyers Adventures 