I should be happy, but strangely I am not. I should be happy to have a job, which I am and grateful to GOD for providing me a job, but each day I feel unworthy to be there among such incredible people. My co-workers are all different ages and backgrounds, many of them are my age, older and some younger. Some have been with the company five months, a year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 plus years. Since day one I have felt included, accepted, but deep down I do not feel worthy of their presence.
You see over the course of my 20 plus year career, I do not think I have had a company make me feel like I matter. I am truly waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me, waiting until they call me into the office and let me know they actually made a huge mistake and they were sorry.
I am counting the days when they tell me, I hope I am wrong because frankly I do not think I can take another Lay off, firing, restructuring, although I have no control over it. As I get older it becomes increasingly more difficult to get employed which makes me feel even more useless which in all honestly would probably push me to put an end to my journey here on earth. Some may think I am being dramatic but I can not stop having dark thoughts about my demise.
I plan in my mind how long I would actually wait until I perform the act, would I wait until my daughter is older or younger. I think about what I would say as m last words and yes I would detail why hopefully leaving my family closure, but I doubt that would help.
As the late there have been other factors that have probably contributed to my feelings, one would be my weight as the pounds have begun to creep back. From 2021 – 2022 I lost over forty pounds, which gave me more energy, my clothes fit better and look better than I have in years.
This year has been torturous as I lost my job in March , then on the hunt for a new employer in May, but during that time I tossed and turned, struggled with my choices although there were good choices ending up in July leaving that role due to differences which never in all my years have I have happened, then the job search again all while the bills piled up, rent, car payment, Credit cards and what not adding tons of stress , lack of sleep and constant worry if I and when I would land another position.
The waiting truly hurt me, but what hurt me more is not being able live with my decision of leaving the last position before this one, constantly thinking what would I have done differently, if I made the right choice, how I hurt our family financially and how I hurt myself in the process, thinking why couldn’t I just stick with it.
I really wanted to stick with the last position, but I was being pushed and prodded and not given the time to train as I worked with a passive aggressive project manager who I discovered she was not who I thought she was.
Yes I could have ignored her, took her shit, her attitude at the same time hating my life, my role and my choices. I also think was it me, maybe I was the problem as there were others who had my role and seemed fine.
But sadly I did check around and I was not the only one she treated like that , but the one who decided to leave, which shocked my managers. I did not get to say goodbye, because the contractor I worked for was my advocate who spoke on my behalf, letting my managers know I was interested in resigning, unfortunately they did not dispute or fight for me, but allowed me to go on my way.
I feel literately tired each day and its not because of a lack of sleep, its because my mind never stops thinking. When I go into work each day, I see smiling happy faces who welcome me. I have so much to learning which is daunting but exciting at the same time. But currently I am living in regret unable to move forward as I truly can not enjoy my life at this point.
I look around at those around me enjoying their life, their time together as a family and I live each day waiting for my days to end. I feel like I am not allowed to breathe, not allowed to do anything for myself. When I come home each day, I see people at the park enjoying their time, playing, laughing, eating while I have to get home to prepare for my class, work, work , work and what do I get out of it other than a paycheck.
Hours, days, months, and years pass me like nothing looking back at what have I done with my life, what value do I bring to my life. It’s hard not to think about my failures in my career and look at my peers on how well they are doing. For example, I have a good friend and family friend who is much younger than me, incredible houses, good family lives, money, cars and happiness. Again, maybe I am being overly dramatic. I hope each day I have peace in my heart, that I can enjoy and appreciate my life and that I can smell the roses, yes maybe one day.
I hope I feel better soon, maybe its just another phase, maybe tomorrow I will wake up appreciating my life more, realizing I have gifts to offer this world, but currently do not.
Joe Meyers Adventures 