I will never be valuable…

I will never be valuable in this world as I look around I often see whose who society has said are the most important and valuable like business gurus like Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and others. In addition we are constantly be told by society that those in entertainment like Taylor Swift, the Kardashians, musicians, movie stars and even celebrities pastors.

 I think about the value of my life each da in some way or fashion, I think about those who are deemed those society can not live without and some of those I mentioned certainly we are told each and every day how important they are.

As a Christian , this goes against what GOD tells us in his word, that he is not a respecter of persons that in GOD’s eyes we all have equal access to God’s word and to enter heaven or hell and shows no favoritism to man , women or child. But if we look today, there are people who we consider incredibly prosperous with money, wealth , fame, the currency of this world.

I know we should not compare our lives to those around us and in this world, because we are ALL unique and special in GOD’s eyes. I have yet to see this in myself and have not for many years and in all honesty I feel like a complete failure, even more so each day and to add to that I truly believe I offer no value to this life and world. I look around even had normal people, so to speak my peers and in my eyes they are so much better off, better fathers, sons, brothers and offer so much more than I do here.

Many will say, but you do have value, you have your family who love you and yes I have a family who loves me, but they deserve so much better than me. I look at other families we have friendships with and I see them so better off than us and they are younger, more successful and happier. I know again some will say well you don’t know that, how do you know they are happy, everyone struggles with something.

I can’t help but to look at my co-workers each day as I compare my life to theirs, again I Know I do not know their lives, but in my mind, they are far better off then me and just happier. Since I feel I offer no value to this world and probably never will, WHAT is the point? I have often thought of my last days, thinking that it will most likely be in 2025 some time, BUT it depends. It depends on many factors that will determine my state of mind, one of those is stable employment, being able to provide for my family.

Since 2018 I have been laid off/let go 3 out of 4 times putting my family’s financial security at risk.  Some would think well how you can be so sure, HEY why talk about it, just DO it now. I say that in my heart its not that time, because when I leave I want to be sure my family will be ok financially, I know they will not be well emotionally for a long time, because there will be a whole in their hearts for many years and probably be there for life, but in the end they will have financial security to live a better life than the one I can provide.

In my mind, I will just be forgotten in time, forgotten by my previous co-workers, those interactions I came across in my lifetime, but in the end my family will be affected I know this, but that pain will heal. I have worked and fought to get somewhere in this life and I have FAILED, but its not without trying. I have looked to others for help, to see me as someone of value, but sadly I do not think anyone sees me. Maybe I am not alone in my feelings for validation, to be considered for something more even though I worked hard for it, but NOTHING.

I will say I love my family of course and it pains me to think of these things, because I should want to LIVE, but don’t. I should want to see my daughter’s life until my last natural breath and I do, but I don’t feel I can and maybe won’t because I want her to be the best in this life and to this point in my life I have failed her. Yes I have given her everything I can, a home, food, clothes, my time and she is a daddy’s girl, never leaving my side from the day she was born, but she deserves better and I tell her that each.

I tell my daughter, there are better fathers and I tell my wife there are better husbands out there and I am going to go find him. I mentioned to them people in our lives who I believe are better fathers then me, better providers, more time to give and more successful in my eyes, in my eyes they deserve so much better and I am a hinderance to their lives.

I hope one day my mindset will change, that one day I will see myself in a better light, but I have not seen it in most of my life. It’s difficult being your worst critic and I am, waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me at all times, because I know it will come again one day.

I do hope, I have a lot of hope in my life as I look to my writing which is what keeps me going, I watch film and music, which gives me some peace of mind as the wheels in mind never stop. I often watch ROCKY for inspiration, and I look to films where people have endured hardships and overcame them with success.

From the looks of my life, one could say, there is nothing wrong with my life, I have jobs, a roof over my head, food, family, love, what more do I want. I want to feel worthy; I want to feel as someone who has value in this life, someone who lives life to the fullest with happiness knowing that life is tough, but life can be beautiful too and sadly I do not see that.

As you can I struggle, at times I feel I am growing more disturbed in my mindset, in my thinking about and my thoughts are not healthy which I equating to self-hate. May be I do hate myself as I am repulsed by my fatness, my body and its hard for me to believe how is it that severely overweight and obese people love themselves, I find it unhealthy physically to have so much weight, unnatural weight putting a lot of pressure on our hearts.

In addition, society tends to hate fat people although we live in very body positive culture, but still I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking its ok to be obese and if she does become overweight and obese, she needs to work hard to maintain a healthy body and lifestyle.

I tend to live in regret on a regular basis, thinking of this year which I think I will never forget, but know as more time passes it will fade from memory.

I look for the day that I will truly believe I have value, that I will wake up and say I was living in a big lie of believing I was worthless and truly begin to live, but I don’t know if that day will ever come, until then I will do my best to push forward.