Giving myself the Gift of 5 more years of Life

The holidays are certainly a time of self-reflection, what we consider to be the most important. Although one could look at my life and see that I have nothing to be down about, as I have a family wife and daughter whom I Love. But each day I think how much better their life could be. I do try each day to make their lives better but feel over the last ten years I have really failed them.

Heart Felt

The other night my wife and I had a good heartfelt discussion and I let her know how I felt about my failures as a father and husband, working two jobs to work to give them both good things in this life. Yes we have a roof over our head, food, clothes, but no money and haven’t had any real money for the most the ten years.

When I look around, I see others who have had great prosperity in their life and marriage but for some reason we have not. We do Not have a house; we do not have lots in the bank. Our health is good, we have a good car, and no one goes without. From our looks of us we appear fine, but when I look around, I see everything I haven’t done for my family. When I look around at my peers, I see them as younger with high positions, more money, better family life and great quality of life. When I look at our apartment, the furniture is worn, needs to be replaced.

The Year of Pain and Mistakes

This year has been especially eye opening due to my lay off in March, but quickly landed two opportunities in April. Two attractive offers with two good companies. It was both exciting and nerve-racking, in the end choosing of the positions. Both positions pay me more than 15% of my last salary.

The position I chose was with an international utility company, one of which I had been trying to get into for over 10 years. The interviews both went smoothly, and the jobs offered swiftly accepting both positions but burning one bridge on the position that I turned down. The other role I was excited about, ready to learn and looking forward to turning the page on a difficult season of joblessness and hardship.

It turned out that the job I took was not what it seemed as the person I would be working under turned out to be a micro-managing passive aggressive, egotistical women who worked for the company twenty years refusing to allow me to train and learn, forced to walk away.

GOD opened a door rather quickly with another great company but taking 15% less than the company I was laid off from on account that I was going into an industry with no prior experience but has the skills to do the job. The people at my new company are kind, compassionate, patient and professional who many have been with the company for over ten years, some as long as forty years.

From those reading many have probably experienced similar situations especially with having to walk away from a job and good one at that. The rest is history as I am now in training and looking forward to what comes.

Over the next five years will be a time of evaluation, a time to rebuild, but IF things do not go well, then I will be forced to finish my life. I never understand why people feel the feel to suffer for years, decades, when they make great efforts to live a good life, yet others have so many blessings like a great career, money, loving family, cars, house and so much more.

But when I look at myself personally, yes I have my wife who I love and my daughter, but where is the money, where is the house, were is my prosperity. Many of you reading this may say “Well you have to work for it”, “It will come in time, be patient,” and not everyone in this life gets to be “Happy”.

Filled with Anger

Over the years I have grown angry, jealousy fills my heart everywhere I go almost to the point I hate going out. When I go out, I see the people, I observe them, their body language, their happiness, their joy, their life and I yearn for that life. Many of those I observe are young exuberant, full of life, happy, living their life to the fullest. I can only ask myself at their age, why couldn’t I live that life? Why couldn’t I have lived, always feeling held back.

I will say that when I look back in my twenties especially, I searched for love often, getting rejected time and time again, NOT good enough.  In my late teens, twenties I was in college, had freedom to a certain degree and there were suitors who I thought had interest in me, but I was too blind to see their intentions.

I would have loved to know what Love filled like in high school and my early twenties, but didn’t meet my future wife until late twenties, but even then, I made so many mistakes not fully enjoying all the moments. Don’t get me wrong, I remember the happiness myself and Delia enjoy going out and spending time together, but it was also a very painful time because we had a friend who did great damage to our relationship getting involved in our relationship, playing each of us, as she was Delias (My wife’s) friend first and then I met this friend at work.

I think a lot about…

I think a lot about love, happiness and sorry to say I look at others and their perceived happiness. Now many would say I have no idea if people are happy or not just by looking at them, but I would disagree. I feel I can tell a lot about them based on the energy they exude. I feel I have lost that energy many years ago. Sady I do not remember the last time I felt the sense of exuberance, happiness, optimism which is why I have decided its going to be time to hang it up in five years.

The signs I will look for before saying goodbye

There will be some milestones I will work to accomplish in five years that may change my plans, one would be making the money I lost this year in the form of my year’s salary. I will also look to get promoted at my current job hopefully in five years. I will also like to complete more of my books, blogs, vlogs and podcasts leaving my daughter and wife my life on paper, in word and video so they have something tangible to watch me, to hear me in hopes to bring that some comfort..

I know that me not being there will be devasting to my family, especially my young daughter who would be 16/17 at the time of my passing, but old enough to recover and not let it derail her life. I would also hope to leave behind money to secure both their futures.

I get that money does not matter, that I am the important one, but I think we fail to see at times that Money is what makes this world go round and without we are nothing, we are less than nothing which is the reason I refuse to let my daughter and wife with nothing. With money they can recover, live their life without the fear of being homeless, jobless, moneyless but will have the means to do much more than I can give them in this life.

Frankly I am worth more dead than alive in my eyes and at least with money to survive they will not have to struggle to not have the things they need. Yes, I get my loss will it will never be a wound they can never recover from and that it may affect their mind over my loss, but in the end they will and can recover over time.

Sadly, I do not know the feeling of losing someone to suicide, but I do know the feeling of loss of a loved one who I loved deeply and remember reach day how much I need them now, like my mother who passed away in 2015, that loss still hurts even though that was a natural death.

I will of course miss my co-workers if I have the same ones five years from now, but each of those I feel I affect I will leave behind closure letters to each of those individuals in hopes it can help them understand my passing, but unsure how much of a difference that will make.

For many reading this, this is painful to hear and often many will turn away, not listen, not care and I understand for many reading are not those who care about my wellbeing.

I struggle at times as I conflicted over this view and my Christian faith, but understand I am not alone as I have reflected here times that there have been men and women of faith to take their lives, which goes to show you that the human side is weak. As much as we want to say just stick it out, push forward, everything will be ok, but in reality, it may not be so again I ask am I just to live and suffer in silence.

It angers me when I attempt to speak up about it , I am often told to be quiet, don’t talk like that instead of someone saying it will be ok, don’t feel that way. But often I am told to go seek therapy, get on meds, but that will NOT do anything, tried and done that as I have struggled with this for over twenty years.  Death is apart of life and people are forced to recover as people lose friends and loved ones each day, life goes on.

My heart is at war right now as GOD says Joseph, I am here, I will get you through this, depend on me and I say “LORD, give me peace, give me strength, help me another day”.  I am not heartless to want to leave my family behind but in my mind, I continue to see I have no worth in this world and maybe that is the problem too, I compare the value my life to what society says is valuable.

Only GOD knows the future, only he knows , what the next five years will look like, but I know its up to me to try to have a good state of mind, not let things get to me and go with the flow, but that is hard at times when now I see what I have lost this year trying to get it back.  Getting a glimpse is something that I will carry with me any years but will try.

I often watch many supernatural shows, one being supernatural with the adventures of Dean and Sam, and one common theme is fighting good and evil with the devil and angels, but often the soul is talked about. In the soul it talks about the value of the soul and how GOD values are soul more than anything and how valuable are SOUL is and powerful.

I want to believe the soul is more valuable than money and fame and riches and I Know it is because GOD says it is. All I ask in my life is to have peace and to feel OK, to know that I am doing ok but when I look out into the world, I see that I am not. I am just not rich enough, successful enough and clearly feeling I missed something in this life that could have helped me today. 

I understand that many struggle with insecurities, being without, some without food, shelter , some in poor health and yet they push forward, I do not know if that is me or not, because I wait for my last days. I am hopeful too that my state of mind will change, that I will want to live and I do.

Each year I will evaluate until year five and it’s possible at that time, Life and I will be at a place where I feel no need to end it, I hope.