Unhinged Again…But I Will Be Ok

This week I was having a real moment for some reason as my mind was filled with turmoil , thoughts of un-satisfaction. Thoughts of feeling as my life has no meaning as I self-reflected on my life which I do a lot as my heart struggles. I look at the mistakes of my life, the choices I made growing up especially in my twenties that I feel were lost due to me being in a deep depression, attempting to end it at only twenty eight years old. 

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I think about where I went wrong and I look at my younger co-workers so are in their late twenties in the same position I hold and ask myself, how is it I could not have a position like this at that age.

How is it that they are living their best life at that age I couldn’t yet filled with sadness, not wanting to live. At the time in my life I may have appeared happy, but anything but, but I really tried. I went to work each day, went to school , attempted to push forward but it meant nothing to me, it was a chore, something I had to do.

Times are a Changing for the Worse!

I think about my daughter who is only eleven years old and how I would NEVER want her to experience times like I have. That is why I make great efforts to be here for her, to love her, to talk to her and give her everything she needs and at times wants. I am kind to her, never attempt to give her a harsh word, even in my feedback I am kind or at least I try to be.

I don’t want her to grow up feeling worthless like I have, but to know she has value, she is important. She is so much like me at times, which makes me proud but also scares me because I don’t want her to have feelings like I do. I know it may have a lot to do with my upbringing of living with a so called grandfather whom I refer to as the Devil.

He would torment me each day, putting me down from the age of five, tell me how stupid I am, how I’d never amount to anything. A man who only cared for himself as I was forced into doing chores and using me as child labor on the weekends, never having the same childhood to go out and be a kid and nothing changed when I got older especially when I could drive as I was forced to take him places, errands and because I lived in his house I was REQUIRED, could not say NO or I would get his attitude, his possessive person came out, his anger. He would be this way towards my mother and sister who also lived in HIS house.

Yes he would remind us each day we lived in HIS house, nothing was ours, we were visitors not to touch his things and if we did we would pay. Mom was required to cook and clean for him each day and me and my sister were his human slaves. Eventually my sister came of age and left , mom stayed behind and eventually I was told to leave. At times thinking why my mother stayed, angering me, why would she allow us to take that abuse over my young until adulthood. She died in his house on December 9, 2015 living a life of torment, sadness which I believe is what truly killed her although she was ALWAYS ill growing up, having some mysterious illness doctors were unable to diagnose. Dying of cirrhosis of the liver and no she NEVER drank. She lived of other sickness, its too hard to remember, but I loved her. She is in Heaven nothing giving her life to the LORD JESUS, Praise God I will see her one day.

Society Only Gets Worse!

I look around at this world of self-indulgence, of money, of wealth and of a message telling me how worthless I am because I don’t have a large home, a mansion at that like this countries gods of the Kardashian’s who throw in our face each day how much we don’t have, as their life is stoved in our faces each and every day on our news feed, on television everywhere.

They are not the only ones of course, there are the celebrities that live the life of glitz and glamour, with their fortunes as they are permanent vacations while the rest of the suckers go to work each day, work 9 to 5’s , making it barely. Then don’t get me started on these countries GODs of Elon Musk, Bezos, Trump and others who rule is country.

YES I know GOD, Lord JESUS is in control and this world is in his control, but in the good Ole U.S. Those are the men and women who control our Televisions, on news feeds who do everything in their power to control us in society, so we are under their thumb. We allow so much garbage in our minds and news feed each day it makes me sick.  We also have politicians, who act as mini gods who create laws to serve them and them alone, not the common folk, the peasants of society.

There is a lot of noise in the U.S. and to add to that the world is crumpling right before our eyes and I truly believe the U.S. is on the verge of full authoritarian government if Trump becomes our president, doing reversible damage we may never recover from. You see although the U.S. likes to present itself as be a world leader we are anything put. I get we are considered the greatest country in the world but believe we are failing our society as society is filled with greed, ruthlessness, hate, anger and corruption that only seems to be getting worse. Many of us are slim pickings to be taken advantage of by our government, society, nothing is the same.  

Maybe it is a sign of the times, Jesus is coming soon as our world crumbles which is supposed to happen, Jesus proclaimed it but that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing right now in the sense our world is getting world and yes looking forward to Jesus coming back. But in the meantime, people are struggling, suffering and rely to much on man. Man, to save us, Man to fix our problems, as you have seen Men and women are expecting our future president to make the world a better place, but remember they are men and women, they are NOT god, they do not see all like GOD, they are not omniscient.

1984 is HERE!

But believe or our the U.S. is looking to look more like George Orwell’s 1984 and many will scoff at that thinking that would never happen. I can happen because again men and women are weak, men and women only care for themselves and many are unwilling to stand up for what is right.  We are in the age when even life will imitate art like in film, thinking of the films the Purge for some reason where our government would allow the thinning of society for 24 hours.

These are the thoughts the run through my mind each day, but its much more than what I am writing as my mind spins and spins and spins, which is why I need to write it out like I am a ragging lunatic.  I have no hate in me, but I am angry, depressed, anxiety ridden ready to throw in the towel thinking that my love ones would be better off without me, at least they would have peace not to worry about me.

I want to have peace in my life and yes I need to have more faith in Jesus as he is the prince of peace. I lack faith at times, but Jesus has not steered me wrong, even in times when I screw things up, he fixes my messes. He fixed my 2023 and have fixed previous years, but I need to have more faith, no let this life bring be down although I have great responsibility, great financial responsibilities that when I think of them, would be so much better if I was just not here anymore dealing with those things.

Each day I try to start a new, being positive that life will be ok, but even I do not believe that at times as society becomes more destructive, dangerous where one can not just live life in peace but always worried about when someone will come and try to take our lives, take what we have. The thief is not who you think it is, it’s not the thug, it’s the people we work for, the people we give our money to each day, its corporate America.

I think a big part of these my thoughts come from is my observations of this world and what I watch at times. I am not a lazy person but like drama, supernatural, mystery as I have seen the X-Files, who hasn’t, Supernatural which I am watching Now, SVU, Law and Order, Organized Crime and the list goes on. I get its only television and its plain old fiction but again art imitates life.

As you can see my mind is spinning again, I am raging again but hope I am making sense as I know many may feel like I do.

Continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers!