I often reflect on my life, my choices, and where I am today in my life. I’ll admit that career-wise I thought I would be much further into this life today. Although I am not complaining about my current state and the company I work for, I thank GOD. God has position me in a company that will allow me to learn new skills, expand on my current career and position strengthening my background in project management.
I Had My Time!
But I remember a conversation me and my wife had about my career, my life and in a way the dissatisfaction I have experienced. I remember my wife telling me “You Had Your Time” and she did not say it in a bad way. Only that yes is right when I was younger, like in my twenties I had my time to enjoy life, have better life experiences, meet new people but I failed to do that.
The reason I failed to do that was because of the depressive state I was in during those years, which basically stopped me from living my life. Like many of you who have read my blogs, I struggled greatly in my life even today, struggling to gain my footing in this life, although I appeared to have all the tools to be ok, such as an education both a bachelor’s and master’s degree.
I am NOTHING
But for most of my childhood I was told I was nothing, worthless and wouldn’t amount to anything. Hearing this from the age of five into my adulthood, it was a belief I was nothing but still went to school with the hope of bettering my life, getting gainful employment and being successful. My generation of Xer’s were fed this hook, line and sinker about the importance of college and how if we didn’t go, we would only work minimum waged jobs and not amount to anything.
Yes, I “Had my Time” and that time is gone and although yes I can build, rebuild, reinvent myself each day and nothing is over until its over once said by the great Rocky Balboa. I look around today, especially see the newer generations who seem far happier in this life. I know looks can be deceiving, its quite possible they are suffering, but choosing to live their best life differently, which I admire. My daughter who is an Alpha Generation or Generation A. There is an uphill battle for these generations which many of the kids of who are my age and younger and some older.
Life’s Regrets
I feel great regret in my life and although I love my family, I can only think of how I am failing them now and each day. On the outside, yes, we have a roof, food, clothes, and transportation and what is needed for our day to day, but nothing more. I guess what I have is much more than what others have today and many are far worse off and struggling.
What I believe to be a big part of why I feel so insufficient is how much the media throws into our faces, how much we don’t have , how our lives a meaningless compared to those that we are bombarded with, such as celebrities. But I understand that the celebrity themselves is not always the problem, it’s the media who makes money off their image about their incredible life, compound that on social media times a million.
A Culture of Misdirection
We live in a culture of misdirection as we draw our attention to things that have no meaning. Many would say just ignore the noise, keep strolling, don’t let those celebrities’ lives get to you. I get it, I do as those celebrities mean nothing to me, but they do have an effect over our lives and the lives of many who attempt to mimic their lives, but in the end, I believe we live in a sad, sad world of depression, anxiety ridden society who are broken.
This Nation is Broken
I believe we live in a broken nation and world and its only getting worse. I attempt to make the best of it, live my life each day, go to work, spend time with my family and try to enjoy this life the best I can. The day will come when I need to make a choice, an irreversible choice to make sure my daughter and wife will be ok financially even if I am not there. My philosophy is their lives are worth much more than mine. There happiness is much more worth it then mine and If that means my wife and daughter can make it in this crooked world with money, then I am all for that.
Glutton For Punishment
Why is that people want to be glutton for punishment, to struggle each day until they take their last natural breath? What is the point of that. When I think of my daughter attempting to navigate her life when she gets older and have struggles finding work, surviving and it was me or her, I choose her. Some of you may think what the hell am I talking about.
I am saying in not so many words I am worth more dead than alive, but I would need to be dead for my family to benefit, which I am not quite ready yet, because deep down I still have hope and truthfully would not want to leave my eleven year old not have her father right now, but maybe when she is older like twenty, it would be less difficult for her because she would older and be able to survive on her own.
“I had my chance” and my wife is right because I made bad choices in my life, I was asleep at the wheel in my twenties, which affected my thirties and today. I can always remake myself, get a new job, new career, make more money and get all the things one thinks they need to be happy. I refuse to live a life where my wife and daughter will continue my curse of struggles in this life to survive, because I want them to thrive in this life, much better than I have and had and willing to do anything I need to make that happen within reason.
My Life Philosophy
My life philosophy may not mesh well with most because most look forward to living their lives to the fullest, never thinking about a final way out like I do. Lastly I know where my soul is going, whether I am here naturally or not, meaning if I die natural or by my own hand, although I would prefer to live a long natural life, but only if my family can prosper, can thrive in this life and I know it takes times and work, but how much time must I wait until I see true financial and life prosperity, because I have not seen it for years when I look around and see others have it , living their best lives while I struggle, suffer each day, how is that life. These are the weights I hang onto each day, have hung on to for years, years of regret fill my body, my mind and spirit, I am DONE.
Joe Meyers Adventures 