My Burnt Light

Have you ever felt like you lost your light in life. Do you ever wonder is this it, is this the happiest I will feel. Or Do you feel that your light in life has burned out. I think about this a lot as I think of a time in my life when my light for life was at the brightest.

Remembering My Light

Some of those special times included when I got married, meet my future wife, the birth of my daughter, raising her which is ongoing. Although I love my wife and daughter, the internal light for myself I feel is gone.

I tussle with these feelings because people will try to justify these feelings that that is normal to not feel the same all the time. But although I will continue give, love my family when it comes to myself, I have no more burn for life I once had as if my optimum has died. Although not an audible voice, the voice in my head fights these feelings, wearing my spirit and brain down even further as I fight myself on how I can recover my former self.

I Live For my Family

I have sacrifice greatly for my family, which I know is what it takes to raise a family, but often I feel I get nothing in return. That is not to say my wife and daughter give me nothing in life, of course they do, but I feel I give and give but in return I am unable to care for myself as I got to work, work two jobs, make barely enough to get us through the month at times, as war within rages.

I have found that I no longer live, but within my mind and my writing as I project my fears, hopes and happiness in my stories through my characters as I find at least with my characters I have control over their destiny.

I Live Through my Writing

My writing is what I hope lives on after I am no longer here, as maybe my writing it add some significance to my life as maybe my work will carry on like so many incredible writers. I don’t think my writing will be world famous, but anything is possible as you look at Edgar Allan Poe, as his wring lives on centuries. I am in no comparing myself to Poe, but at least when you look at Poe’s life when he lived, he too didn’t appear to live a great existence and even a long life, dying quite young if I remember correctly.

I have learned to well to just get through in life, like zombie at times, go to work, eat, sleep, go to work, eat, ship, crap, go to sleep and then go to work. Like many of us, we may not realize we just go through life , forgetting to enjoy our days, enjoy the people but most importantly enjoy ourselves as people, then you get to point you don’t recognize who you are anymore, you don’t like who you’ve become and then worst case, your see how broken you are, which leads many to just end life, because they see their full potential is gone.

We rely so much on others like employers, family, friends to who us our value. As a believer in Jesus, he sees our value in us and yes he tells us we are valuable but at times we don’t believe. Its not that we don’t believe him and his words, its hard to believe God loves us so much yet as humans we fail to believe at times. There are those who do believe and I envy those who believe their true value.

I have yet to trust my value in this life, as I see there is life and death, we all will have die one day, some sooner than others although we have this notion that life is meant to last a long time, but maybe we should think about what our impact is at the time we live on earth. Some die so young, their impact may not seem to have made a difference but they.

Those Gone are Free

I often search obituaries and see what people write for people who had passed on and I looked their pictures and they ages at time, as some die young as babies, children, teens and my age and older. It’s sad looking at these times, eventhough I don’t know anyone I imagine what their life was like and find surprisingly many more women seem to pass than men.

Some of these women’s pictures have them smiling, full of time, thinking they probably didn’t want to die, wanted to live. I honestly wish to die I always hope my mind will change, that something miraculous will take place in my life where I say I want to live a long life, but in the end I see others are much better off without me as I am just a drag on everyone around me.

These are the thoughts that crowd my mind each and every day as I go to work, spend time with my family, pay my many, many, many bills.

That’s Life!