It’s amazing how you can be anywhere and self-reflect on one’s life, someone who can look at their own failures and successes in the most unlikely places.
The other day I was at an ATM, withdrawing money, when a couple stood next to me using the other ATM. I couldn’t help to overhear a young women and man. The women who was very excited as it appeared her and the man had an account together and if I could guess they were newly married as she spoke about changing her last name with excitement. The man joked about being married fortunately, but it couldn’t help to feel the excitement and love. I finished my transaction and was on my way as I reflected on my own marriage.
Remembering Happiness
I remember when Delia and I were first married back in 2010 and having that incredible excitement in my heart as I too added Delia to my account, in addition to Delia finally getting her permanent resident card and ultimately starting a life together.
This young couple reminded me of my youth and although I am not old, only 44 , at the time I was married I was 30 years old, a much different man and person who at that point had no children, newly married and the world was our oyster.
My Brokenness Progresses
Over the years I have changed, my heart has grown to love my wife and daughter, but sadly I have not grown to love myself very much, almost hating myself at times for my failures. I have tried to give my family everything they want and need, and I have failed them.
Yes they have a roof over their head, yes they have food, clothes and necessities which should be enough. But those moments as a family, vacations, spending quality time together has changed over the years, because money is so tight I can’t take the family on a quality vacation, like other mothers and fathers who take their families to Disney world, a cruise, across the seas, I have not and although one may say well that is not an indication of a good father or parent to do those things.
Constant Comparisons to Better
It’s hard not to compare myself to other fathers, knowing one who I will say have a good friendship with who works for Amazon in operations, a great provider who has a nice home, making great money with a beautiful family. Now you can see my admiration but knowing them personally they have their struggles, maybe not financially but other areas that I don’t think I have a problem with.
You see I make efforts to be around, mostly at home available, although I work in the office a few days week, but ultimately here for what my family needs.
My Impossible Search
I will say the company I work for is a great big company, with opportunities, but the reality is my income has not kept up with my experience which means at times I am severely underpaid, but ultimately have stability and get the chance to work with incredible co-workers, managers and customers, so there are trade-offs but at the end of the day financially I have struggled for many years to keep my head above water, which leads my depression to kick in, which leads me to look for ways out of this life.
One would say, well just go look for a higher paying job, go back to school, go into another career, which I have thought about and each could be plausible, but I need relief now. I currently work in a project management role, so my position is no insignificant, but has great value on the market, but at the same time, I have been at my current position for less than a year, which is too soon to just pack up and leave.
I work very hard, a full time and part time job teaching at the vocational school four days a week part time, by the end of the day I am tired, burnt out by the slow progress I have made in this life. I see myself as a failure, truly, and each day I recognize how I have failed myself and family, despite my efforts.
My wife and daughter deserve a better husband and father and the guilt overtakes me with what they each could have had better in this life.
From a work standpoint, it has been almost a year at my current employer and have just completed two of my first projects successfully. These projects were much more complex than previous projects with my last employer. I do feel joy and happiness when I complete tasks on my own, and in all honesty I feel as though I haven’t felt that in a long time, going back to my previous employer before getting laid off as I felt I was in control, I knew what to do, I was even helping others, but now I feel as though I am at square one again.
This time is different though as the skills I am learning now are much more impactful to the customers I deal with. The people have made all the difference, as each of my co-workers are professionals, kind, respectful, willing to help one another and overall great people. I will say that I feel fortunate to work with such fine people, although again I wish I was paid more, like I was in the positions from last year in which one I was forced to leave and the other in which I burnt that bridge, both of those previous positions and past choices eat at me each day.
God Does Have a Plan
Deep down I know god has a plan for me and this was apart of his plan, but last year was particularly painful as I can not help living in the past and imagining if I fact took the position in which I burned that bridge I would most likely be financial more stable, but who knows if I would had been happy or if I would have lasted there, only God knows. I do know that where I am at today, people have been patient with me, giving me time to learn.
Nonetheless, what I have found out about myself, is that nagging need to continue to prepare for end of life, whether its five years or ten years from now, but deep down I will know when its time and it may be not some special day or date, but who knows, maybe I will make February 7th significant as the time I attempted back in 2007. For now I will keep living and attempt to believe I have value in this world, to my family and to God. I know God loves me, more than I can imagine, I just wish I could see what God sees and what other see in me, as I see myself as a failed human.
Joe Meyers Adventures 