All the difference two years make, some of us reflect on the last year and I will surely do that in December, but for now, I look back at the last two years at a time when I can remember myself being the happiest and at peace, life was good. Not saying life is not good night now, but it has been rough, especially since last year.
Like many I look at pictures and am reminded by damn google of two years from today, five years from today, ten years from today. Pinpoints in time as I immediately think about what my life was like at that point.
Two years ago, I was at my healthiest weight, clothes fit me perfectly, my mental health, the finances were all in shape and I was ready for holidays, like Thanksgiving. Little did I know what was coming in the following year and after that. For many, some recover quickly and able to continue to momentum but not me, when I am hit hard, I am thinking how one can come down so quickly, but not everyone has a fall, but many do, so my situation is not unique as many go through far worse than what I bitch about.
I look back and get that you shouldn’t, but plead with God to put me back in that place of peace in my life, not the time I am in now, where I struggle mentally, fight my inner demons as they go to battle over my thoughts and heart as I fight with the thought of just ending it all, but know I will not. For some reason I brings a smile to my face to know I have life insurance, so my family will be financially secure if something was to happen to me, whether by the hand of God or by my hand. Yes I am aware that it’s wrong to think about it, but I am at a breaking point, trying to keep it together financially, trying to make sure the lights stay on, that we have a roof over our head and that the family has everything we need to be okay.
For now I should be okay, but the holidays are difficult, financially although for the most part we get through it and the family, although they doesn’t get exorbitant gifts, modest gifts, it still feels as a father I have failed, as a husband, I have failed and they deserve so much better and I have vowed to give them better, even if that means I am not no longer in existence, because in my MIND, money will give them a better life, as in life insurance, which is what its there for. For those who say, well life insurance doesn’t cover suicides, but in fact it does and my policies do just as long as I don’t do anything within two years of taking out a policy, called appropriately the suicide clause. After two years is up, the insurance company is required to pay out. You see, the clause is primarily in place for those who used to take out policies and the following month kissed the world goodbye, not me, as two years is like a blink of a eye, as I plan.
Some of you may be thinking this is not being very thankful and that I should be more grateful for my life. I am grateful for my life indeed, but I wanted to give my family the best life, again in my mind feel they can have a wonderful life without me. Yes, I am aware that it would be difficult over my loss but in time they would eventually see I did what I did for the best and they were in a better place.
I know many may not think like I do, these thoughts stick in my cranium and stay there, maybe in 2025 I should seek some help, as I do always hope for the best ,that things will turn a corner and then in two years from now, I will look back and be thankful that didn’t take life ending steps, but well aware once I take the final leap, that will be it and it all honestly it wont be leap, it will be the tug of a rope around my neck or the smell of carbon monoxide from the engine of a car, as I go into a deep, deep sleep. No, I wouldn’t be jumping off some ten-story building as I go splat on the sidewalk, or a gunshot wound as I have no gun and too afraid of blood to cut myself, I have my methods and speaking from experience know what the tug of the rope around my neck feels like.
For now, I will live in memory lane as I attempted to remember the good times, the years past when Thanksgiving was the time, I said thank you for having peace in my life and when life was good.
God never promises times to be perfect and I know that. Because God can change the times, our life whenever he chooses and it’s all for his own reasons.
I do pray everyone had a great Thanksgiving and have a better perspective than I do during this time. God Bless all!
Joe Meyers Adventures 