Life, Death, and Turning 45: A Moment of Reflection

Today is my 45^th birthday, a mini milestone to the BIG 5-0, which is daunting in a way and although we all get older, which is normal it only brings to focus my morality and what I have truly done in this life. I am not rich, nor do I have a fancy job title or am I am man of importance, even to the point of leading people in my work, I am a nobody.  For many some would say who cares if you are no a nobody, there are lots of nobodies in this world and they are pretty content being nobody and maybe I should be. Except for most of my adult life where I can’t help but look back and think of the failures in my life, despite me working towards success, never reaching there. Although anything can happen in this life, I doubt very much that could happen, as I look around much younger colleagues are recognized and promoted, I guess I am past my prime. I would love to be one of those glasses half full kind of people, I am not. The reality is as I grow older, I grow less relevant like many people, I know I am no different.

It’s sad that I can not enjoy today, although I have my wife and daughter in my life, I should look at what I do have instead of what I don’t have. But what I don’t have in this life affects what I do have like my wife and daughter.

Today is no celebration but it forces me to self-reflect again and again on my life and when I when it will be my time to leave this earthly plane. Life and death got together, just like birth and death, they are both inevitable. I truly do not believe I will live to see my 46^th birthday, which is unfortunate because of what has happened in my life and what continues to bring me deeper and deeper into desolation, something no one can help.

Birthdays should be a time to be thankful for one’s life and the breath we breathe each day and I guess one can say it’s a matter of perspective and that my perspective is poor, so change it. I can not because my belief is so now ingrained in how I see myself, I feel its almost impossible.

I pray I am wrong with this being my last birthday, but each day, week I plan for that moment, to leave my wife and daughter in a better place. Although I know it will be difficult for them and that my loss to their life with forever felt, they will recover, and they will be able to enjoy this life like I intended. I pray that I will have joy again, have a smile again, but sadly a lot of that depends not just on me, but the people around me and even those people who have indirect effect over their support. For instance, I have often email my church for prayers and guidance, only to be told I need to come and they can pray for me then, but offer no words of wisdom , of kindness despite me being very clear that I am not in a good place, but sure I will come instead of the pastor offering me some words of kindness to get me through the day, only confirming I am a no body in fact. I get GOD says I am someone, I am important to him, but where is he at times. That is not to put down God, I know God is silent at times, but this is not the time I need him to be silent.

I get God wants me to get on my knees and pray and I do, and he does answer, but for what I am struggling with, personal and financial loss at this time in my life, I am broken on this 45^th birthday and there is not a damn thing anyone can do and will do to be there, I am at a loss.