The holidays are a time of self-reflection. What we consider to be most important. Although one could look at life and see and say I have nothing to be down about and in my opinion, there is always something we could be down about, life is not perfect after all. For myself I have my wife and daughter whom I love, but I cant help to think how much better their life would be if they had  more.

As the main provider I struggle to give them the things they deserve, although we have a roof over our head, food on the table and the ability to functional and have a relatively normal life, but financially I am a mess. Over the last ten years I have failed them miserably. When other families within ten years have prospered financially, we have not on account of my lays off , instability of the high cost of living, food and rent, having a good car, which often requires purchasing every ten years, as I work to make the car last. At the same time trying to provide things to my family slightly better then we had before like a better car and apartment. We are not fancy expensive vacations, frankly we don’t go anywhere as a family and haven’t been for some time due to money.

Heartfelt Marriage and discussions

My wife and I often have heartfelt conversations about the finances, as I see how hard she works at McDonald’s. The amount of abuse she takes from her co-workers, who treat her like a second class citizen, like a person undeserving of dignity and respect. One would say why doesn’t she just go elsewhere, and believe me she has tried and has gone to other employers as they treat her almost the same way.

God bless my wives heart for her dedication to be a good employee, respectful, always willing to offer a helping hand, providing kindness to those around her. But often she is mistreated, disrespected, told to be quiet. She often works with younger employees in the age range of 18-35, who treat her like shit and this is coming her managers as well.

In my heart she works so much harder then me, putting her body on the line physically, while yes I sit in an office and a virtual classroom, rather simple jobs for me, but I see each day how her work damages her body and although she is still young, the effects of her work will one day take effect on her body, as she has seen women who have worked for McDonald’s decades as they grow older, they bodies are affected. It pains me to see that she has to do this job as I think why cant I make enough for the both of us, so she doesn’t have to work and I know that sounds old fashioned, but I see that as failure on my part, a poor provider for myself and my family.

Worry and Anxiety a Constant Nuisance

My wife and I are constantly in sync to worry and anxiety of the finances as I am on the brink of Bankruptcy once again, everything under my name of course, a name and credit tarnished, but that’s okay, rather me than her. But she still worries for me constantly and in a way she should, as I am losing hope each day, pushing forward to the new day, new month and years to keep providing, but each day I have grown weaker and giving up.

I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others and what others have, we are by no means trying to keep up with the joneses, just trying to survive, save money, have prosperity like many others do. Again, I know I shouldn’t compare, but I look around with others who have prospered greatly with homes, money and alike giving their families the peace of mind. I know it takes work and time and I do try, but something always seems to have happen right when things are going well.

This year has been difficult and it continuation from last year and the job loss, but in his case, the finances ballooned out of control as I attempted to adjust my new salary along with the changes in my wives work schedule which is not always consistent as the manager cuts hours freely which affects us financially.

I attempt to move on from last year and what took place with the job loss in March 2023, getting a job in May and then unfortunately losing the job again in July and then getting this role I am in now in September, those huge changes in income have affects that don’t just correct themselves once one get s a job, there is a build up of trying to survive as I had to relay on credit to make sure we were okay , had food and a roof over our head.  Yes I made mistakes relaying on those things to be okay, but it was that or we would no ability to get food or pay rent, then what homelessness, not on my watch.

My Experience is Not Unusual

I know that many out have experienced similar out of work situations often more devastating then my joblessness, where many have been out of work for six months, a year, two years, something I would not have the ability to recover from. At this point, I don’t think I can recover in what is happening financially unless I file BK soon and it that is not approved then I will need take matters in my own hands and cash in the life insurance policy for my family. I know it seems pretty drastic and most would not take that route, but I am sadly comfortable take that route if it means my family will be okay even if I am no longer around.

Assuming once I can file my BK, it will be four years of evaluation for me as I give myself 4 more years of life to prepare my family for my departure. You see no matter what I still have the plan to end my life, which I know is heart breaking to hear, because why would I do that if we are okay financially. Because deep down, I see myself as a failure to my wife and daughter and that will not change, they deserve better. My hope is that will end my life, because who wants to die , its so messy and traumatic. I believe things can turn around for me, I can have peace once again in my life, and have security once again.

My Festering Anger and Depression

Over the years, anger has festered in my heart, disappointment, sadness, depression and a slew of emotions I battle with each day. Being a people observer, when I go to places like mall or shopping center , I cant help but to look at the body language of others, and although I don’t know those people, you feel a sense of peace in their life like everything is okay, something I wish I had.

I am aware that those same people may be struggling with far worse things like financial and health battles. I know my wife wants to truly see me be the person I once was when we first met, so full of life, happiness and yes I know marriage and responsibilities change a person in different ways, but not always in a bad way. Marriage although difficult, should make a person better and don’t get me wrong my wife has made me better, but she has also made me realize my weakness as a man, father, husband and provider and even though she never says anything, I know myself how I have failed her.

I can’t help to think about love and happiness, and I understand one truly does not know if another person is happy. I would like to believe that most are happy and content with their life, although life is not perfect and will continue to search for that peace. I actuality I should be at peace in my life no matter what, being a follower of JESUS as he tells us not worry, do not fret, a command that is difficult, but not impossible.

Looking For The Signs of My impending Departure

I will continue to look for the signs as there will be milestones as I evaluate the next few years, but anything could change, as I could easily make a drastic decision to end my life tomorrow, which would severely affect my wife and daughter, not just financially but in other areas like work and school, something I really don’t want to do.  I do have a hope of one day being promoted, which would in a way make up for me being here. I also have so many stories to write, to blog and Vlog about before I depart leaving something for my daughter.  

Some reading this may think that I things I find important are really not that important after all like money, but money makes the world go round and without that, nothing can truly be accomplished. I am not asking to be a millionaire or billionaire, but that would be nice, I would settle for have a few extra grand as  a nest egg and my belief continues to stand that I am worth more dead than alive.

I struggle at times as I conflicted over this view and my Christian faith, but understand I am not alone as I have reflected here times that there have been men and women of faith to take their lives, which goes to show you that the human side is weak. As much as we want to say just stick it out, push forward, everything will be ok, but in reality, it may not be so again I ask am I just to live and suffer in silence.

My silencing

It angers me when I attempt to speak up about it , I am often told to be quiet, don’t talk like that instead of someone saying it will be ok, don’t feel that way. But often I am told to go seek therapy, get on meds, but that will NOT do anything, tried and done that as I have struggled with this for over twenty years.  Death is apart of life and people are forced to recover as people lose friends and loved ones each day, life goes on.

My heart is at war right now as GOD says Joseph, I am here, I will get you through this, depend on me and I say “LORD, give me peace, give me strength, help me another day”.  I am not heartless to want to leave my family behind but in my mind, I continue to see I have no worth in this world and maybe that is the problem too, I compare the value my life to what society says is valuable.

Only GOD knows the future, only he knows , what the next five years will look like, but I know its up to me to try to have a good state of mind, not let things get to me and go with the flow, but that is hard at times when now I see what I have lost this year trying to get it back.  Getting a glimpse is something that I will carry with me any years but will try.

I understand that many struggle with insecurities, being without, some without food, shelter , some in poor health and yet they push forward, I do not know if that is me or not, because I wait for my last days. I am hopeful too that my state of mind will change, that I will want to live and I do.

Each year I will evaluate until year five and it’s possible at that time, Life and I will be at a place where I feel no need to end it, I hope.

For those who wish to follow this journey, read my first post from last year :

Giving myself the Gift of 5 more years of Life

The added stress is what is going to happen in our country in the next four years, which some may say that has nothing to do with my feelings, but it does as our country is unraveling into instability and uncertainty to what the job market and economy will look like. Yes I am working right now, but hopefully that doesn’t change. I will continue to try to stay positive and look forward to each day, but at this point I do not.