It feels great to look forward to things in life, like a vacation, a promotion, a baby, a marriage, the lists goes now. Sadly, I don’t have many of these moments anymore, although yes there are those milestones likes birthdays and celebrations I look forward to, but those happen each year. I guess for myself, I can not remember the last time I really had a reason to smile, to feel a sense of anticipation or joy.
I cannot help but to look around and look at those things that determine my happiness like the finances, are the bills paid on time, if there is food on the table, the rent is paid. For many we equate our happiness to what we have and that’s understandable, its important to have stability for yourself and family, something I feel we don’t always have, but get by barely at times.
Like most I go to work during the day, teach at night and navigate with my wife’s night schedule for her work and we make it work time wise. Hours bleed into days, into months and before we know it the year is over, that is life I guess.
Life Flashes Before My Eyes
I think about how quickly time passes before our eyes, years fly by and sometimes we fail to look at our own lives and realize that we haven’t don’t much with our lives so to speak. Yes for many raising families, caring for other humans, but at the end of the day for most its work, its feeling as though we are moving the needle in our careers to have some sense of purpose in our jobs.
For many they feel they have no purpose, no job title of meaning, no sense we are even making a dent in this world. Many may not care about that but I do, I do want to feel like I made a small dent in the lives of others, but actually feel I have not to this point, even though I have a family.
My mind is warped in this belief that I bring nothing to this table we call Life, that people are frankly just better off with out me being around, this is my belief, a distorted belief I know, but I own it, it belongs to me. There are many instances in a day that my wife and daughter make me feel like I am important, that they need me and I am thankful for that, but in my mind they are better off being just the two of them, without me weighing them down.
That is why I am plotting and planning my future moment, not to be around, but unsure when that day will come as this takes planning to be sure when I leave earth those, I spent my life with will suffer minimal collateral damage. Yes I know they will have permanent scars in life, scars they will carry into the rest of their lives, which I am deeply sorry for, but my wife, daughter and family are resilient, in my mind I will just be memory in a few years.
In ten years I wont even really even be a thought or whisper because by then naturally people have moved on. Although I have not had many VIP’s die in my life, my mother being the one who passed in 2015, her loss was difficult, at her age of 56, I was in my thirties and able to handle it differently, but it was still painful. Today and this December will mark 10 years, the pain is still there of course, of her memory, her warmth and love, but I know she is in a better place, in my eyes in heaven and yes Heaven exists.
These sudden thoughts are triggered by a recent event yesterday, taking my daughter to visit some of her closest friends, friends she talks to each day on her IPAD, only because they live too far to be near one another.
Not only are they friends, but have become good friends with her parents and Mikaylahs friends parents which include Jennifer, Alex, Nina and George, Christina and one other parent’s first name I am drawing a blank on. I am closest with Alex and Jennifer, who has known my daughter since I believe the second grade. Since meeting Jennifer and her daughter Alyssa, they have been in our lives, as they also lived in our city until they moved about 40 miles away.
Over the years we have made regular visits to their home, which is beautiful in Lake Elsinore. They’re next store neighbors being Nina and George who has their daughter Mila and her friend Mikayla. We had have holiday celebrations, birthday, get to get togethers. Alex and Jennifer have always been kind host. Jennifer has went to great lengths to include my daughter Mikaylah in her events, like taking her out to eat, to the movies, Disneyland and just being a good friend.
Unable to Pay it Forward
Unfortunately, I am unable to reciprocate her kindness in the same way, as I feel financially I struggle and although I have done some things as gifts, never in the same way. This pains me severely as I want to always feel like I am giving back to those who show my family kindness, but its deeper than that. I was brought up to be a giver and over the years have not been able to, which hurts me. I know it cant be helped at times, my funds are not unlimited, we have rent, bills to pay and in most cases, most of our money goes to the necessities in life.
Alex who is 40 years old works for Amazon as an operations manager, was in the Army and graduated from Pepperdine University. Alex is kind hearted towards me, welcoming and in my opinion is humble. But I am sorry I can’t help to feel inferior to him, and I don’t want to take away what he has worked for, because he appears to have to worked hard and he is apart of a company that sees and utilizes his value, which in part Is why I feel he is successful in my eyes, having the money, the house, the two kids, two dogs and partner.
I am not saying I am unhappy with my wife and or daughter, I love them of course, but utimtaely I have failed to provide them the life they deserve, a life like Alex has provided his family. I have failed to obtain and create a career similar to Alexes and although we different people with different backgrounds, I cant help to think, where did I go wrong, what did I do so wrong to get me where I am today. I know for many I should just be happy, accept my life for what it is and there are people in far worse shape than me. But I have failed myself and I am not saying that my jobs is worthless, only that it feels despite my full time and part time jobs, I have gotten nowhere in this life and ready for the next life.
I don’t think I am live knowing my family doesn’t have the life I imagined for them because I envisioned a home like Alex and Jennifers. I envisioned a career where I felt I have importance and value, I imagined we had the ability to have money to just LIVE. I know many will say well those are just possessions, things, money they don’t mean anything, but here on earth they do, its what keeps people going, the ability to live a quality life and I get it takes work, saving, finding the right career.
I feel for the last ten years I have strived for better but have not gotten there, I have failed along the way to be seen and I am tired, I need a true fresh start for myself and my family. What better way to have my fresh start then to eliminate myself from equation and allow my daughter and wife to have the life they deserve, that would make me happy.
I know it seems sick to smile knowing that my death although painful would give my family the ability to experience a better life, especially with the life insurance they would inherit and yes I am aware money doesn’t by happiness but I believe that to be a lie, Money does give people the comfort to be okay financially, which is what this world is all about. My soul if departs earlier then expected should go to heaven and I am confident I will because my belief in JESUS and his love for me, but others would argue I would straight to the devils playground as anyone who takes their life goes to hell, but I don’t believe that to be true, but I guess I would find out fairly quickly where my soul goes and I guess if my soul goes to hell that is where I believe for being selfish in taking my life. No one wants to go to Hell and I believe there is a hell, many don’t believe but the Bible is clear, Hell existing with the gnashing of teeth, burning, fire and brimstone, who knows what exists there.
I do have some comfort that Alex and Jennifer along with my father and sister would be there for my daughter and wife in their time of need as they will mourn together, but I do have thoughts of when I would complete this act as in my mind I have rules I would like to follow such as not ending my life durning a time when Mikaylah is in school, not near any major holidays or birthday, just a plain old regular day I guess, a Tuesday maybe or a weekend but a time day and time not to interfere with peoples lives. My mind continues to go deeper in planning as I think about this often. I study my failures, overlooking my little successes which have been far and wide in my life.
The Comfort of Death and Pain
Sadly I am getting so comfortable with these thoughts when it comes time to complete the act, it will be like nothing as I am familiar with the feeling of a tight noose around my neck so many years ago, lights out literally in seconds it seemed, no pain, no gain I guess for me. I have attempted to justify this act knowing that I will leave behind closure for my friends and family in different forms like letter, recordings and videos along with my books and writings so my family will know what I struggled with, maybe being a case study for mental depravity and the decline of ones facilities.
Only time will tell from now on out, but there is still some work to do in preparation for, so maybe no obituaries in a near future, but you never know with me, since I have been known to be impulsive.
Pray for me folks, Thank you for your well wishes as I go through another triggering event, but it will pass again.
Joe Meyers Adventures 