As a father celebrates Father’s Day, it can be complicated but not in the way one would think. You see of course, I grew up with my own father who is still living today named Moses. My own mother and father divorced when I was about five years old and my sister about three years old. Being that young as we grew up, we grew up living in two households. For the most part, we would see our father every other weekend and spend that time with him and our grandparents in Los Angeles.
My Own Father
My father whom I love, was not there in a way a father should be, yes he provide money for child support, yes, he purchase my clothes, toys, food and as we got older contributed to our adolescence in getting us what we needed, but mom was there very minute of the day for the most part.
My father growing up never really spoke to me about life, growing up and how to be a man, the meaning of life, all the big discussions a father should have with their son and children. I know I am not alone because there are many do didn’t have a father growing up, possibly due to him leaving, abandonment and even death among the many, many reasons fathers are not in the picture and also simply because he didn’t and doesn’t want to be a father and maybe the mother doesn’t want him in the picture, a million reasons.
Yes, I am fortunate to have my father in my life and grateful he was round. Unfortunately I had a another man in my life, who was no father figure, but one would you could call a grandfather who I lived with for most of my childhood and into adulthood, but he was a real devil of a man who to this day I remember the hate he spewed at myself, sister and mother every single damn day, may he rest in Hell.
Growing up, deep down I felt I wanted a father to take me and play ball, spend time with me, teach me things, but again, the man who attempted to be a father figure, force fed me his hate, vulgarity, anger and projection of his hate for my mom, sister and I each day and we stayed. Although my mother is no longer living, she had her reasons, and I don’t fault her for that, but the damage was done and she knew it.
Fatherhood
Today as a father of a daughter Mikaylah, I have attempted to rewrite the fathers in our life, but being there, supporting her and loving her each day and forever along with her mother, my wife Delia, whom I love. The problems lies that I am not a good father, I don’t see myself as a good dad, in actuality I see myself as a failure of father, who failed to provide my daughter the life I promised her and she meant to have along with my life, as I consider myself a failure of a husband, a double whammy.
As far as I can remember, once I became a father, the greatest gift and joy a man could want. I know she is a gift from GOD, but I often think sadly did God Give this beautiful gift to the wrong person. I know its silly god doesn’t make mistakes he is perfect.
Like stated in Psalm 127: 3-5 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”
I can’t help to think, my daughter deserves a much better father then me, she lucked out with me, as I look around at other dads. Dads who have better jobs, better job titles, make more money, offer better homes, provide all the needs and luxuries a father wants to give his children and partner, which allows a man to feel proud as a provider, but I am not.
Yes my daughter and wife had a roof over our heads, food on the table, but fancy vacations to Disney World, no vacations to fun and interesting place, but home bodies for the most part, a boring existence at times for myself, because I love to go out, spend quality time with my family, which one could say well, you don’t need to go to a fancy vacation to do that, you can do that anywhere, who cares about expensive, bust your budget vacations, it’s the love you share in the home that matters.
You see I have had these discussions with myself many many times before, and I come to same confusion, I failed my daughter, because every damn day it feels like a struggle with make sure everyone is okay, while my mental health, my well being suffers, pushing me closer and closer to the edge, making me realize my daughter and wife are simply just better off. As in my mind my wife could always remarry a better provider, which she vowed she would never do as she doesn’t want other men in my daughter’s life, but I give her my blessing.
You see although I don’t have many friends, I have a few and, in my view, they are far better providers than myself. I often think of a friend of the families of my daughter, father and his wife, daughter and son, living in a beautiful home, working at Amazon and is able to provide without question for his family, even generously providing for my daughter at times, taking her and her friends to Disneyland, the mall, movies, out to eat, sparing no expense and I am eternally grateful. The other men in my life are co-workers, who are of different ages, basically we do the same type of work but at different stages in life and work, but in my view far superior providers.
I will take it a step further where men I don’t even know as I go to the mall, shopping, out to eat as a master observer see what a great provider they are, just by looking at them. I know many of you may think I am being preposterous how in the hell would I know, how I can they are good providers just by looking at them, but in some sense I can. Even finding random men I find online, which again I know I sounds nuts, but I will stick with the men/fathers in my life I have direct contact with as I see them all better than me.
I see my only redemption in my future death with the possibility of a big life insurance policy that would pay upon death. As you can this is an antithesis of a Father’s Day message and that is why I say Father’s Day is completed. I wish I could just enjoy this day with a Father’s Day lunch, gifts of appreciation and love, but even on the day alone, I am happy when the loved is shared with me by my wife and daughter, but at the same time when we go out, I cannot help other happy dads, enjoying their days. I often make some snide comment to my wife and daughter on this day about the “Happy Families” which usually angers them.
I Love being a dad, love my family, but at the end of the day believe they deserve better, and although I believe there are many shitty fathers today, I am not one of them, my deep rooted belief is I believe to be one.
Happy Father’s day to all the incredible fathers out there, who know and believe your awesomeness, maybe one day I believe myself. God bless your day.
Joe Meyers Adventures 