Do you ever ask yourself, “What the hell happened to my life?”, “How did I end up here?”, which can relate to many areas in one’s life such as a one’s personal life, finances, career and the list goes one. For me I constantly question my life on my choices. Although I can’t remember exactly, I do suspect when I was about 19, after graduating from high school, in college, that I was filled with excitement, but at the same time fear, but back then I believed I would all work out as I was only 19, but being now 45 years old, a lot has changed. Self-reflection is both an incredible thing and a curse for myself, as I look back at years of my life. The blessings of course have been my wife and daughter and my relationship with Jesus, having given my life to Jesus in 2008 at Calvary Chapel Downey.
Although I ask myself this question, I can’t help to think of my life during my twenties after graduating college, but even through college, there was a lot of struggle with trying to find myself, and even though I was in school, I felt I was constantly looking for love and relationships, as I often go searching for women online in an attempt to connect. I did find women, having even met my very first girlfriend on Yahoo personals.
Self Reflection as a Curse
That was a painful time in my life, because I really didn’t know how to be in a relationship, It was foreign although we did normal couple things like go to the movies, theme parks, go out to eat, but it didn’t last, because again my mental health pushed me over the edge, which is about the time I was diagnosed being Bi-polar. I remember because in college I signed up for a mental health trial and was diagnosed based on the symptoms I displayed. I was not very vocal back then, extremely shy, quiet and more introverted than I am today.
The breaking point was in February 2007 when I made my first and only attempt on my life , as prior to that I was struggling. One of causes of my struggles was at time was my need to change jobs frequently, as I was constantly looking for more money, better job titles, and ultimately to be in positions to lead people, but even today I have never obtained such a position, which is painful for me because I believe I have the skills to lead others, support others but frankly others do not see that.
A Broken Man if You Ever Saw One
I truly believe I act often like a broken man, if you were to meet me in person, I would hope to come off as being professional, respectful, kind, but when you make an impression of me, you would most likely seeing my facial expressions, often showing a lack of confidence, but I believe you would see my brokenness. I have been broken for a very long time and although I have attempted to fix myself in many ways, have never been able to as I have NEVER accepted myself for who I am, NEVER believed I am anything special or have anything worth offering.
When I met my future wife, I shielded this part of myself, attempting to renew myself into a new and improved version of myself, and I was a pretty good faker, but in reality my wife did bring out a side of myself I had never saw, the person who I hoped I could be when it came to being in a relationship.
My future wife and I had a rocky time at first, as the person who introduced us, which was also my co-worker, was very controlling with our time and involved in our relationship, which almost broke us. In fact I did break up with her on the advice of my co-worker and who I thought was my friend. 2008 was an interesting time as this co-worker/Friend came into my life and became a friend I never had at the time, she would spend time with me, invite me to her home, which was very personal. Over time I realized how manipulative she was, but I was stuck as she was my co-worker literally sitting across from me, she was quite destructive to me.
The Beginning of Change for Better or Worse!
It seemed from 2008 – 2010 time sped up, but I was truly in a time of recovery myself and should have focused on my mental health and not have been in such a rush to find love even at that point, not realizing at that point that I had time. Although I love my wife and daughter and truly believe God did place us together, I wonder what would have happened if I had just waited and refocused on my career, save money, build my career further. I don’t want to make it sound like they were or are a hinderance to my career they are not, but when you are single, you can really focus on you as for anyone that ones once you get married, have a family that tends to go away because you are no longer the most important person, your family is.
From 2010 until today, I have seen my life change drastically, from job losses to job gains, but the constant has been financial struggles, having filed BK back in 2016 and today I am in the process of filing this year, which are major failures on my part. This is all under my name of course as my wife has not been affected financially, but there is one constant that has not gone away because it will never go away, which is my depression, anxiety and even suicidal ideation.
I know, I know for reading this, I know you may be screaming for me to seek help, see a doctor, a therapist, get put on meds. I will say I will see a doctor to see if getting back on meds can help, but honestly, I don’t have much trust in medications for me. Sadly, antidepressants are known to have side effects that make my current symptoms worse, even thoughts of suicide which lead me to believe I will get better or worse. I am not questioning if meds work, of course they do, but for me I haven’t had the best success and have found antidepressants make you feel numb. I guess deep down I want to say I tried one day before taking my last breath.
I know we are not always happy with the choices we make in life, in our careers, and many would say well that it’s life, deal with it, you just must accept it for what it is and move on, don’t get bogged down with the past. I know that we are all in different places in life and that some of us become successful in this life, with jobs, the house, the money and everything one would equate to success and then there are those who struggle to make ends meet, people who are talent, capable just trying to do the right thing in life and get to a level of success that one can be proud of and a level that can provide for ourselves and our families.
Again, I know we must not compare ourselves to another person’s journey, but how can I not when I see men and women, younger than me, reaching the success I only hoped and dreamed of as time ticks a way with age as I lose my opportunities. What I feel shame and guilt about at times is looking at another person and yes, I should be happy for them, but honestly who is happy for me, who is proud of me…
I know, again my family is and that should be all that matters, but I would like to feel proud of myself for once, which I haven’t for quite some time. I always pray this changes in me, that one day my smile can return, that my self pride will be there, but it hasn’t because I see myself a failure in life, in relationships, in being a husband, father, brother, son, employee, a dismal failure. But I guess life goes on and who am in the scope of our world and things, NO ONE, just NO ONE.
Naturally I always need to research the dangers of comparison, reading this from : https://albertellis.org/2014/07/the-dangers-of-comparison/
The danger of comparing ourselves to others is that our comparisons are never fair. Each one of us is a unique individual with characteristics and life events that are unique to only us. Unless you’ve been cloned at birth and your clone has been following you around and engaging in everything you have (down to your exact thinking), I’m pretty certain when I say that comparing yourself to another is a dead end. It is our entire life experience that makes us vastly different from those around us. Sure we may have things in common, we may even have the same job. But, even if we’re interviewing for the same position, what got me to this point and what got you here are two very different roads. By comparing ourselves to others we’re negating our own road and demanding that the past be different than what it was. The demands we place on ourselves to be like those we’re comparing ourselves may sometimes be motivations for change, however they are more likely to lead to feelings of diminished self-worth.
In such situations, we need to remind ourselves that our self-worth is not based on our behaviors or what we have (or don’t have). Though it is quite all right to admire a colleague’s wardrobe or a friend’s job, our admiration should stop there. Once we cross into comparing our own wardrobe or job to theirs, we enter a danger zone that may result in feeling quite lousy about ourselves. And that is just not a pleasant place to be.
What I truly believe the cause of my recent reflections is that I have been decluttering my life, as I had old papers saved for decades in my garage, documents from college, old reports, even from high school and beyond that as I reminance about those times, the good, bad and ulgy and I can’t help getting wrapped up in a time warp of my life, where I would be today and where I should be today.
Not sure if any one out there does the same but here I am!
Joe Meyers Adventures 