I often play conversations in my head, not sure if anyone does what you may say to a person at home, at work in various scenarios. I re-play words/conversations in my might regularly in how I am going to explain to my family one when I am no longer here. Sadly the only conversation I need about is what I will write to my family if I decide to end my life.
Thoughts of the Life After
Truly If I come to that point will that death note bring much comfort, hard to say because they will be overcome with grief but in my mind, what words I leave behind will provide an explanation for my departure. I often think about those who have taken similar actions often may not leave a note at all, which I find difficult to grasp because I would think the people left behind would want answers.
I get there are no answers that satisfy when a person takes their life, but at least the family could have some closure when often times its not a person or people that cause a person to do this, its more complicated because it deals with a persons mental health, emotions, financial as examples but there are endless reason and not strictly because the person is mentally ill.
I get that ending your life is not natural, because as people most have this need to keep going , take the good and bad and push forward. But someone like me, the good and the bad are constantly replaying over and over again, especially the bad. Yes we ALL experience the blues, bouts of depression, anxiety, some more than others and then the person moves on, they don’t tend to dwell on it, obsess over it.
There are pieces of myself I have and will leave behind like my books, especially my autobiography and my memoir. In addition, I have my blogs, Podcasts and YouTubes. I don’t know if having those forms of digital footprints will help or hurt my family as I have thought that by having those out there, my family can always revisit me if they wished. Yes I am aware not recording will ever replace the real person, me.
The Triggers
As of late due to the amount of financial stress I have been under, I feel it will be necessary to put my affairs in order and begin my death notes to my family and co-workers if it comes to that, in addition to making sure my actually home is in order in case my wife and daughter need to move making it as simply as possible. I know for those reading this I may sound on the edge and to be honest I am. I have not been well for a few years now and these thoughts have only increased. I have taken minor steps to seek help, and I did see a doctor and he prescribed me a low dosage of Wellbutrin.
I want to make it known to my family and loved ones that is not an option that I wished to chose but felt forced. Again most will think I am not be rational and I know its not as in my mind and heart I can’t help feeling my family and loved ones would be better off with out me, spare them the pain later, giving them a chance to hopefully recover from my loss and live the lives I feel they should be living, live the lives I vowed to provide by failed miserably.
Life’s Failures
That is not the only failure I see as myself, career-wise, professionally, financially most definitely, a husband, father, brother, son, just major failures. Some may think I am being over dramatic in how I see myself. Its kind of hard not as professionally I have worked hard to be recognized as a value to any organization. For many some would say “Who Cares” What a faceless, heartless organization thinks of you, you are numbers on a spreadsheet, which is true, but still for most our jobs, careers are important and only wish to feel as though a company cares even if they don’t.
In my mind, I imagine that once I am gone for the period of the first year or maybe two will be difficult, but after that they will begin recover and realize that they must not live in my memory but accept their reality and yes I understand I put them there, but in the end they will have more freedom to do all things I failed to do for them like go on nice vacations, purchase a home, have the ability for my daughter to attend college one day, go to private school, get all the things I promised but failed to come through on.
I am concerned of course for the people I leave behind and their mental health like my daughter who is pre-teen now and how the effects my loss would affect her today and in her future.
Life Imitating Art
I don’t why but when I think about me not here anywhere, I often think of the film “It’s a Wonderful Life” as Geroge Baily after he attempts to take his life meets Clarence the angel and George wishes he was never born. Giving George a glimpse into what life would be like for others if not born.
If I was not here, her mother/my wife would be a single mom, but would have some support from my father but she would pretty much be on her own, but she should have money from my life insurance to be financially okay. Obviously, I would not have a say in what my wife and daughter do after I am gone, but hope they would have a fresh start, move into a home that has no ties to our former life.
For now, I will begin my planning, preparing my letters to each family member, loved one, friends and colleagues so they don’t feel forgotten after I am gone. Unsure if my last words will make any difference, but my hope is it can bring closure and understanding to why I did what I did. My hope is that my wife will leave her job, maybe go back to school to learn something she wants to learn and giving her more financial freedom in addition have the ability to spend more time with our daughter and really be there for her.
For those reading this , you can see I am not in a good headspace, and although I am not going to do anything today or tomorrow as I have thing do and with the hope things will get better.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Joe Meyers Adventures 