Looking Back: Unfulfilled Aspirations and the Weight of Regret

Have you ever experienced a profound sense of sadness and disappointment when reflecting on your career, realizing that you have not accomplished what you initially set out to achieve? Perhaps your life’s plan is centered around pursuing a particular profession, securing a certain job, or joining a specific company, only to find yourself veering off course.

These feelings are all too familiar to me. I have often wondered how others cope—whether they accept their changed circumstances or remain optimistic about eventually reaching their goals. For me, such thoughts and emotions have been a constant companion.

Childhood Dreams and Early Ambitions

Throughout my childhood and adolescence, my imagination soared with dreams of becoming many things. At one point, I aspired to be a Disney Animator, or simply an artist, as I took great joy in drawing, painting, and sketching—my notebooks overflowing with my creations. I enjoyed writing, though I never considered becoming a professional author. These aspirations, however, never materialized. High school was a particularly confusing and challenging period, and like many others, I struggled to determine the right path for my life.

I have always been a dreamer, captivated by films like Indiana Jones, Rocky, and Rambo. Inspired by Indiana Jones, I entertained the idea of becoming an archaeologist. Yet, when I shared these dreams with my peers, I was often told to stop dreaming and that such ambitions were unrealistic.

I don’t recall discussing these goals with my parents. As high school continued, my desire for adventure persisted, leading me toward a new passion: the ocean. I dreamed of becoming a marine biologist, despite being average in math and science. I remember confiding this to my teacher, Mr. Wolf, who supported me and explained that pursuing marine biology would likely require earning a PhD.

Eventually, I set my sights on the next best thing and was accepted to the California State University Maritime Academy in Vallejo, California.

Struggles, Setbacks, and Shifting Paths

After graduation, I moved north with hopes of working on the open seas aboard a large vessel. However, within a few months, that dream faded as I struggled with the coursework, the culture, and my own growing issues with alcohol. Unable to keep up—especially in math—I left the academy and returned home, a decision I now regret. Looking back, I believe I should have persevered and taken advantage of the freedom college offered.

I immediately enrolled at DeVry University, a for-profit college, choosing to study business because it seemed more manageable than my previous major in marine transportation. This was my first real adult decision, but with little guidance, I simply went through the motions. I graduated with a degree but still lacked clarity about what I wanted to do. Even during my senior year, I considered attending the College of Oceaneering in Wilmington, California, to become an underwater salvage technician and welder. The field was unfamiliar to me, and I ultimately decided to finish my business degree instead.

A Roller Coaster of Discovery and Education

Since 2002, my journey has been a roller coaster of self-discovery. I went back to school in 2006 and 2007 to earn my MBA, but in hindsight, I see it as a waste—not for the lack of learning, but because the degree never paid off and I am still burdened by the debt.

Lessons for the Next Generation

As a father to my daughter Mikaylah, I hope she avoids the mistakes I made. While I want her to attend college and expand her mind, I do not want her to endure the same costs or attend a school that fails to provide the opportunities a degree should offer.

There are no guarantees with higher education, but attending a respected institution can make a significant difference in one’s career. Unfortunately, I have not enjoyed that respect since graduating from DeVry and Keller Graduate School. I consider this a failure by both my standards and society’s.

Teaching, Reflection, and the Value of Choices

In my current role as an instructor for medical assistant students at a vocational school, I often see my younger self in my students. Sometimes, I am tempted to warn them that they may be wasting their time—not because education is unimportant, but because the reputation of one’s college can follow you for life. There are often better, more affordable choices. I wish someone had advised me to be patient, start at a junior college, and take time to find my passion instead of rushing into decisions with lifelong consequences. I feel the impact of those choices every day.

While I have not met anyone who has fully achieved their original life goals, I know that some do, especially those who attend the college of their choice and make wise decisions. Still, the cost of quality education today is daunting, and I cannot fathom the financial burden many face. I consider myself a failure by my own standards.

Acceptance, Contentment, and Ongoing Struggles

Despite my feelings, I appreciate my current job, company, and the people I work with. I trust that others share similar regrets, yet I am continually reminded of my perceived shortcomings when I compare myself to those who attended prestigious schools. I think deeply about my daughter’s future and hope she will have better choices and financial security, enabling her to live a more fulfilling life.

I struggle to move beyond these feelings, as they have persisted for decades. I know life is more than a job or association with a brand-name company. My company is respected, and I remind myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of. Still, I dwell on how I could have done more for myself and my family. I wish my wife and daughter did not see me as a disappointment, although they often dismiss my self-criticism.

At midlife, I recognize that it is too late to drastically change my path. I hope my daughter learns from my experiences and makes better choices. I live with regret, depression, and anxiety, constantly looking backward, which is not a healthy way to live. Even scripture advises against dwelling on the past. For example, Isaiah 43:18-19 encourages us to “forget the former things” and look for the new things God is doing.

I acknowledge my shortcomings and my tendency to look back, even as I strive to move forward. While I have tried to attain success, I feel I have fallen short. I am certain that many others reflect on their past and accept their present, but I refuse to let my family repeat my mistakes. For most of us, the only choice is to keep pushing forward and make the best of our circumstances.

Finding Meaning in the Present

Today, I find myself living with partial dreams. As a teacher and instructor for vocational students, I enjoy teaching, but I wish I had trained to teach at a higher level. I have settled for a position that I feel offers limited value, unlike being a professor at a major university—a dream that has now passed.

I do my best to accept my situation and seek contentment, but deep down, I view my career as a failure, with little time left to make a dramatic change. When I reflect on my wasted opportunities, especially in my twenties and thirties, I recognize that everything shifted once I had a family. As a single person, it would have been easier to pursue new dreams without affecting others. Thats not to say I dont love and cherish my family I do, but do know sometimes in life we are so much in a rush, the things that that could come to fruition may or may not. God knows what the future holds and he could see what was going to happen in my life ahead of time, there is no suprise to him but to us, I guess many of have to realize sooner or later this is the path God choose for me, even if we dont always like it, there is reason and purpose, even if it suffering and hardship.

Every day, I ask myself why I cannot simply be content. My mind is often preoccupied with these thoughts, even during the workday. While I do not expect these feelings of sadness to disappear, I am determined to manage them and carry on as best I can, focusing on living each day as it comes in an imperfect world. I sometimes daydream about those who appear to have it all—the life I once hoped for but have not attained.

On a strange note, I guess what really made me think about this today is the new season of Stranger Things, although a fan, my daughter loves it more. But really its more of the creators of Stranger Things, The Duffer Brothers who are in their early 40’s and attended Chapman University in Oranage California. Although I will not take away their talents, because they seem talented and are not very sucessful, I can only think could that have been me, could it still be today.

Why do I constanty look at others especially much younger than me and think to myself, they got their shot in life, why didn’t I, why couldn’t I, but then I think maybe I did get multiple chances, but I just blew it, making me a bigger failure at losing those oppurtunities. I am not about to go down that rabbit hole again, these are the thoughts that spin in my mind regularly.