Looking Back: Gratitude and Loss

Today marks my 46th birthday. While I have never been one for grand celebrations, this day inevitably prompts me to reflect on the years that have passed. For nearly two decades—17 birthdays—I have been fortunate to celebrate with my wife, my daughter, and my sister.

Yet, these occasions also remind me of loss. My mother passed away in 2015, and her absence is especially felt on days like this. I miss her dearly and wish my mother, in particular, could be here with me now.

Challenges of Recent Years

The last few years have brought significant challenges. Financial hardship and mental health struggles have cast long shadows over my life, particularly in 2023, 2024, and most of 2025.

Despite these difficulties, I recognize that there are still things for which I should be thankful—my life, above all. I admit that I do not always express this gratitude and that I often speak of death, which may not reflect an appreciation for the gift of life. Still, I know I have reasons to be thankful.

Self-Reflection and Regret

I need to do a better job of remembering the importance of life, especially my own. Over the years, I have sometimes lost respect for myself, looking back and feeling as if I should have achieved more by now. I often compare myself to others—especially those younger than me—who seem to have succeeded in ways I have not. Since graduating college in 2002, I have had 23 years to build a career, to become someone I could be proud of.

Yet, I feel I have not accomplished what I set out to do, despite my efforts. Perhaps I was too eager to live a good life and, in my haste, missed out on opportunities—to stay at certain jobs, to appreciate certain people, to savor the moments. In hindsight, I wish I had enjoyed life and those around me more fully.

The Meaning of Family and Connection

As time has gone on, more people—even beyond my family, like colleagues—have remembered my birthday, taking the time to wish me well and making me feel special. Still, it is family that matters most. My birth is not just my own milestone; it affects them most profoundly.

Lessons from “It’s a Wonderful Life”

As the Christmas season approaches, I find myself reflecting on one of my favorite films, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” The story of George Bailey resonates with me, particularly the idea that every life has a unique purpose. After George’s uncle loses a large sum of money, George faces despair and contemplates ending his life.

The intervention of Clarence, his guardian angel, leads George to realize the impact his existence has had on others. A message from Graceway Baptist Church captures this sentiment: everyone is created for a distinct purpose, and every life matters deeply.

Even in times of discouragement or depression, we are reminded that we are loved—by those around us and, ultimately, by God, who gave His Son for us.

Seasonal Self-Reflection and the Weight of the World

I do not believe it is a coincidence that I was born in December, a month that marks the celebration of the Lord’s birth and a season that naturally prompts me to reflect on my own life. In these times—both globally and within the United States—there is much that causes me anxiety and depression, especially when I think about the quality of my life and the choices I have made.

If I had made different decisions, perhaps my family and I would be in a better financial position now. Although I know that money is not everything, it holds great importance in our world. At this point in my life, I feel as though I have little, a situation for which I can only hold myself accountable. After all, I am responsible for creating the life I live today.

Embracing the Gift of Life

Yet, I am reminded that life is short—sometimes heartbreakingly so. Every day, people of all ages leave this world, some before they have had the chance to truly live. Despite the adversity I have faced, I am grateful for 46 years of life. As I age, I notice how close I am to the ages at which loved ones, such as my Aunt Liz (who died at 46 in 2006) and my mother (who passed away at 56 nearly ten years ago), left us. Still, I am here, continuing to fight and persevere.

Looking Forward with Hope

I am committed to making a greater effort to enjoy my remaining years, to appreciate the breath in my lungs and the health I have. Life is unpredictable, and I do not know when my time may come. For now, I choose gratitude. Happy birthday to me—here’s to another year of life. Thank God!

I will also add, as a shameless plug that my Memoir “Runaway Shame” comes out December 1st, a gift to the world and myself.

I would be so honored if you make a purchase at most online retailers.

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