Contemplating Life During the Holidays
This has become an annual tradition in my “Giving Myself the Gift of Life” series. I have tweaked the name a little as the original name of the posts might cause alarm to those who read as these post discusses death and suicide.
For those who are concerned about my well being, don’t be, as this a perspective on the future of my life, but I can understand how alarming it can be to read of someone ending ones life. I am okay for today, but continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
This has become an annual tradition in my piece giving myself the gift of life series, as during the holidays I severely contemplate the ending of my life 3 years from now, but that could all change, but sadly and as scary as it may sound over the years I gotten comfortable with the idea of deah, as its something I think about, write about in books, blog about and yes It does become quite overwhelming at times, knowing that most don’t want to think about death, their more morality , the thought of leaving loved ones behind, thinking we are all going to pass well in age, when we have lived a long life.
Frankly I dont know if that will be my case, but for many who read about suicide, one could say well that person had or has a choice, but really for those who never suffer or struggle with mental illiness, suicide is not a choice, as its the one thing that most feels with bring peace to their mind and hearts, but yes for those lost to suicide there is carnage and wreakage left behind to those who are left, to feel the pain for years and maybe even a lifetime.
I know for many its tis the season to be Merry and the reason for the season is Jesus is all true, this is all but once a year, and this time of year is not about death, but in reality it is because Jesus himself was born to die. I even think of the great Christmas Carol, of Scrooge and Bob Crachit and how the story begins that Marley was dead as a doornail and the impact death has and had on Scrooge, which leaves me sentimenal during this time of year, which is why I have written these posts with the hope of redemption and the hope I will change course like Scrooge did at the end.
Although I give myself 3 more years of life, its more like 5-6 years because my daughter is only 13 and what daughter or son should lose their parent in the most formative years but at least after those years, it should be smooth sailing or at least I want to believe so, that she would be more capable at 19 or 20 to accept my passing, unencumbered by school at that point. Anyways on with it….
The Challenge of Feeling Loved Yet Still Lost
Many who read this feel they don’t wish to reach as I should give a trigger warning about Suicide ideation. The holidays have become a time that I self-reflect a lot especially about my life, being that I was born December 1st too, being that I look at the state of the world and our country and don’t even recognize a world in which I want to live.
Yes, I have people in my life who love me like my sister, father, wife and daughter and brother-in-law and maybe even my co-workers, but these feelings do not go away. Yes I know feels can be deceptive and I understand no life is perfect, regardless of how much we look at others who appear to have a perfect carefree life, but when I say carefree I mean someone who has money, financial options to get the care they need in this life, because without money, you are nothing in this world.
Yes I do often think about how much better my wife and daughters lives would be financially without me, they would get a cash prize of my life insurance to live off, for many decades and yes although I wouldn’t be here, I would die in peace knowing that they would be okay, having the financial means to live a better quality of life, instead of me anchoring them down from truly enjoying life.
The Burden of Bankruptcy and Provider Guilt
As the main provider, I struggle each day and in 2024 it was particularly difficult as I prepare for over a year to go through my 2nd Chapter 7 bankruptcy in 9 years, something I have incredible shame about now and even afraid to say out loud over whose who read that are already passing harsh judgement of me, seeing how unfit I am as a provider if I had to file BK even the first time, but two times, I am terrible.
There are two dates stamped in my mind and heart October 3rd, 2016 and November 3rd, 2025, which is when both BK’s fully discharged, as a broken man, both financially and spiritually.
Daily Conversations and Emotional Labor
My wife and I who speak every day, which every person should have deep conversations with their loved ones, where she often hears about how I speak about my failures as a husband. Still my very hard worker at McDonalds, although part time, puts up with a lot of physical and even emotional stress of working for the Golden arches as she is often mistreated, talked down too, put down, harassed by her co-workers and even her managers.
This leads each day reminded that my wife works harder than I do for a company who doesn’t give a damn about their employees, working for peanuts, although I am thankful for the peanuts, her hard earned bread who keeps our family going and I couldn’t do without her, which hurts me even today and it sound old fashioned but when I got married and had our daughter, I should be the person bringing home all the bread so My family can be well cared, but again another failure on my part I hope to correct one day when I pass and my wife is rolling in money with the hope of leaving that dead end job and beginning living her life like it was meant to be lived, that will be my gift to her and my daughter.
Personal Recovery and Perspective
Naturally my wife worries about the finances and knows the effect this recent BK had on me, as I filed alone and not damaging her good name, but mine only. What has changed since the last year is that I am finally beginning to recover from 2023, my ultimate year of job loss, high debt as this year, I did get a healthy raise in my full-time job, and I still work Part time as vocational instructor.
Joblessness is nothing new in this world but it’s painful as I look around seeing many who are struggling to be okay, some far worse than myself, although in my mind I tend to think most are better off than me, after I do gain some perspective when going through my BK, especially meeting of creditors where many other filers speak about their debit, answer a series of standard questions and speak about their situation, many which both husband and wife file together.
Personal Recovery and Perspective
I understand that my experiences are not that unusual, especially in the past when I lost my job, struggled financially naturally one would struggle by loss of a job and are many who are out of work for six months, a year, two years, something I don’t see myself recovering from. I know we as people often may not see ourselves recovering from major life events but do.
For instance, it took me over a year to prepare by my BK as I had to stop making payments on my debts, my credit shot after years of rebuilding and I couldn’t file on account that I did meet the means test due to my income and my wife’s, although I am the only one filing, BK court looks at household income, requiring my wife to cut her hours severely to meet the means test which took over a year before I could file, which was incredibly upsetting as this weight held on to me since June 2024 until filing July 2025 and then waiting until full discharge in November.
Lingering Emotions: Anger, Disappointment, and Depression
Over the years, anger has festered in my heart, disappointment, sadness, depression and a slew of emotions I battle with each day. Being a people observer, when I go to places like mall or shopping center, I cant help but to look at the body language of others, and although I don’t know those people, you feel a sense of peace in their life like everything is okay, something I wish I had.
I am aware that those same people may be struggling with far worse things like financial and health battles. I know my wife wants to truly see me be the person I once was when we first met, so full of life, happiness and yes I know marriage and responsibilities change a person in different ways, but not always in a bad way.
Marriage although difficult, should make a person better and don’t get me wrong my wife has made me better, but she has also made me realize my weakness as a man, father, husband and provider and even though she never says anything, I know myself how I have failed her.
I can’t help to think about love and happiness, and I understand one truly does not know if another person is happy. I would like to believe that most are happy and content with their life, although life is not perfect and will continue to search for that peace. I actuality I should be at peace in my life no matter what, being a follower of JESUS as he tells us not worry, do not fret, a command that is difficult, but not impossible.
I will continue to look for the signs as there will be milestones as I evaluate the next few years, but anything could change, as I could easily make a drastic decision to end my life tomorrow, which would severely affect my wife and daughter, not just financially but in other areas like work and school, something I really don’t want to do. I do have a hope of one day being promoted, which would in a way make up for me being here. I also have so many stories to write, to blog and Vlog about before I depart leaving something for my daughter.
Some reading this may think that I things I find important are really not that important after all like money, but money makes the world go round and without that, nothing can truly be accomplished. I am not asking to be a millionaire or billionaire, but that would be nice, I would settle for have a few extra grand as a nest egg and my belief continues to stand that I am worth more dead than alive.
Reflections on Faith and Self-Worth
I struggle at times as I conflicted over this view and my Christian faith, but understand I am not alone as I have reflected here times that there have been men and women of faith to take their lives, which goes to show you that the human side is weak. As much as we want to say just stick it out, push forward, everything will be ok, but in reality, it may not be so again I ask am I just to live and suffer in silence.
It angers me when I attempt to speak up about it, I am often told to be quiet, don’t talk like that instead of someone saying it will be ok, don’t feel that way. But often I am told to go seek therapy, get on meds, but that will NOT do anything, try and done that as I have struggled with this for over twenty years. Death is a part of life and people are forced to recover as people lose friends and loved ones each day, life goes on.
Faith, Prayer, and the War Within
My heart is at war right now as GOD says Joseph, I am here, I will get you through this, depend on me and I say “LORD, give me peace, give me strength, help me another day”. I am not heartless to want to leave my family behind but in my mind, I continue to see I have no worth in this world and maybe that is the problem too, I compare the value of my life to what society says is valuable.
Only GOD knows the future, only he knows , what the next five years will look like, but I know its up to me to try to have a good state of mind, not let things get to me and go with the flow, but that is hard at times when now I see what I have lost this year trying to get it back. Getting a glimpse is something that I will carry with me every year but will try.
Empathy for Others and Finding Resilience
I understand that many struggle with insecurities, being without, some without food, shelter , some in poor health and yet they push forward, I do not know if that is me or not, because I wait for my last days. I am hopeful too that my state of mind will change, that I will want to live and I do.
Evaluating Life Year by Year
Each year I will evaluate until year five and it’s possible at that time, Life and I will be at a place where I feel no need to end it, I hope.
For those interested in reading previous years series of “Giving myself the gift” please feel free to read previous years.
Joe Meyers Adventures 