The Habit of Self-Reflection
For those who read my posts, you tend to see me self-reflect a lot, it’s what I do, but so do many of us. It’s hard not to self-reflect, its getting a little annoying at times, when I am constantly reminded of things, such as mental health, my life, career and a slew of other thoughts that crowd my brain on a regular basis other than doing my day job and teaching at night, raising a family and so forth.
Parenthood and Revisiting the Past
I believe one of the reasons I self-reflect more often is because of my daughter who is 13 years old. I live through my daughter in a way, as a parent I experience so much of seeing what my daughter goes through that I am sure I am went through at her age, but very different, as she did not and will grow up in a verbally abusive household like I did.
Middle School Memories
She is in the 7th grade, which immediately causes me to remember when I was in the 7th grade at Suva Intermediate in Bell Gardens, California. One my favorite teachers was Mrs. Marsha Carey, who was my English and Drama teacher.
I do remember how kind she was to me and my mother, who would often treat me, remembering that she drove from Norco, California, which is about 50 miles away from the school, so she would commute in her Jeep Cherokee. Remembering two times she would take me to Breakfast and at one time she gifted me a pet Iguana, which was only 3 years, which was gift at the end of 8th grade.
Overall middle school was like any experience, but I was bullied due to my weight and awkwardness, being very shy. I of course had other memories, like the time I cheated on my Art test, no knowing what colors you mix to make certain colors and I was busted by Ms. Mott, a truly embarrassing day, or how Mr. Wilson kicked me out of math class, because I was for some reason talking too much in class, I had my moments like any child, but for the most part lived a low key life to myself.
Due to have no internet being invented at the time, just video games, books and toys for entertainment, it was truly a blessed time in history. I was pretty much a child still, whereas my age seemed so mature, many of my classmates even were dating and I remember one classmate got pregnant, her name was Dripsy (I know a strange name) which is why I remember her.
For the most part middle school seemed ordinary, not really into sports, but did like the arts like drama and sticking to myself to avoid bullies.
The Passage of Time and Lingering Regret
These memories lead me to other memories in my life today, as I think about the preciousness of time, how quickly time passes, especially from the time I graduated high school into my twenties, thirties and beyond.
Struggles in My Twenties
My twenties we particularly painful and confusing at times, where I just felt I was navigating life on my own despite living at home, they were hands off for career advice.
What was difficult was the struggle I felt I was always under, especially with basic transportation to get to and from school, relying on my first car from my grandfather who gave me his 67 Ford mustang, a car I loved.
Unfortunately, the car was neglected as my grandfather, who had driven it had a few accidents, so it was well dented, the original engine, so it needed lots of TLC. The car leaked transmission fluid, so I had to constantly check that, the gauges were faulty and the engine did blow along with the brakes that constantly needed to be repaired, so it was costly for someone working part-time. I NEVER felt I could go to mom or dad, because they had no money to help me, on my own, to figure it out.
This was painful, because my sister, who is two years younger, gave our father his used car, which was newer and in good condition. I managed to have my independence for the most part, I could come and go as I pleased and no one bothered me, so I had my routines, like going to the movies every Friday ALONE, I love films and the experience of the theater, I would each dinner alone, shop alone and I was content although I yearned for a significant other to spend time with, which again was painful to not have that experience early in my youth.
I think about this time and how much I lost, especially when I began working, I didn’t travel, a HUGE regret. I didn’t make big changes in life, like moving to Oregon like I had always dreamed of, even today, having only been there once, I loved it. Now that I am older with a family, it is more difficult to pick up and relocate without work and security, a painful reminder of another failure in my life.
I was so obsessed with eventually finding LOVE, I forgot about myself, my own self-care, especially my mental health, as my mind delved into depression in my twenties, leading to that fateful day on February 7, 2007, where my life almost came to an end.
The Weight of Regret and Responsibility
I can’t help feeling angry at myself today and I am just angry today when I see younger people especially in their twenties and thirties enjoying their youth and I didn’t feel it was stripped from me and I did the stripping because I should have realized how short life is and enjoyed life more but didn’t.
I don’t want my daughter to repeat my history and know that she is in control of her life, I never want to be burdened to her or hold her back. So many parents today hold their children back, especially from experiencing life, making mistakes, having fun and just living.
I believe a person grows so much when they are allowed to fly. I know from a parent’s standpoint letting your children go will be painful but necessary because I never want to be the person my daughter looks back on and think that I hold her back, because before I know she will go through her own twenties, thirties, forties and beyond. There is a point in many of lives we look back on and may have great regrets, like I do.
I cant help but to look at my life today and think, if I had made better choices, my life could have been so much better, I could have experienced much of what others have like owning a home, going on fabulous vacations, having more financial security, instead of thinking about a fresh start for myself and family, as my mind delves into how much I don’t want my wife and daughter to experience pain due to my choices.
When I think about my wife, especially how much I have let her down in her life and marriage to me, as when we married she had different expectations that I was in a better place and wasn’t but should have been because one may thing when you get married things are good financially, your career is in a good place and neither of those were great, but okay.
I feel today I made her life hard, as she was making her own money, had her own independence and that changed when we got married, I feel like I stole that from her, a regret that pains me today. I vowed I will not let this happen to my daughter, even if it means sacrificing myself to give my family the financial security they deserve in the form of my life insurance.
I refuse to repeat history my daughter’s future generations, even if that risks me not being there anymore, my daughter and wife will survive without me, but we can survive continuous financial struggle and my mental decline over the years. Thinking of the risks that if something was to happen to me, yes It was affecting my family for many years but eventually they would overcome my loss and build the lives they want.
Today I hang on, monitor and evaluate each day, but at the end of the day, looking to give my family a better life, but I certainly don’t want to be too hasty with changing their lives who drastically right now, especially since my daughter is in the 7th grade, preferably these major changes would take after my daughter graduates high school.
These thoughts lead me to others who have taken action in their lives with loved ones, especially spouses and kids if they thought of the effects of leaving this world prematurely, but I guess if a child is a certain age, they would have no memory of that person, which is not where I am at, as my daughter would be affected.
The Impact of Loss: Reflections on Others
My daughter Mikaylah has a good friend named Bella, who her father passed when Bella was probably like three years old. Obliviously Bella has probably no memories of her father, so it’s not as painful as opposed to her father passing when she is older. I will not say she doesn’t care, as I am sure she wishes her father was still here today, but unfortunately, he died tragically through no fault of his own in a work accident.
Living with Trauma and the Challenge of Moving Forward
This is where my mind goes constantly. I don’t know how to overcome these feelings as many would tell me to move on, let go of the past, don’t live in regret, sound advice but easier said than done, as it’s been part of my brain for so long, very much like when a person is traumatized. I don’t think you should tell someone who was abused as a child or in life to just get over it.
I get there are others who experience trauma, get therapy and able to overcome those feelings, although not impossible can be difficult. Some are more inclined to just move on and not let trauma take them down, but that is not me. My trauma and hardships have taken me down and continue to into further despair.
Writing as a Form of Healing
Writing seems to be my refuge for now, but for who knows as there may be a point when I get to writing and say I have written my piece and be done with this life. There may be a point when financially my family seems secure, giving me the reprieve to feel that I can pass on and leave my family in good hands.
Ultimately, I feel I will be dying sooner than later but not planned for anytime in the next 6 years, as my daughter will need to graduate high school and, in some way, this was provided comfort that I have raised a well-rounded daughter in a home with love.
My love will endure for her, my wife and family forever even if I am not here anymore. For now, I will work not to live in regret daily, which is exhausting at times, live for my wife, daughter and myself.
The Preciousness of Time
Not sure what took me down this rabbit hole, that is my mind at times, but I believe it’s me thinking about how precious time is in life and before you know it Poof life is done and gone, some get no chance to recover or get new chances at building a better life.
Comparisons and the Illusion of the “Perfect Life”
It’s a daily ritual for me, as an avid observer to look at my co-workers, look at those strangers I encounter on the street, in the shopping center or just strangely seeing a couple or family enjoy a meal in a restaurant and see and create an image in my head of their perfect life.
I get no person is perfect or their life, but a life where you don’t have to worry about if you have money to pay the restaurant bill, or if you do constantly worry that you should put that money aside to pay for the electricity instead of enjoying time with your family. I know there are lots of things families can do without spending money.
Why shouldn’t I have the pleasure of spending time and money on myself and family without feeling incredibly guilt, but I do and most times I do even for the smallest things. I tired of feeling tired, these feelings overwhelming, take my brains energy where I have truly stopped enjoying this life. It’s easy to say LIFE is Short, but life can be long for many, a painful long life of torment and sadness until you finally pass with regrets that is me, I see it.
Acceptance, Uniqueness, and Moving Forward
I know I am not alone in what I feel as many experience far worse feelings then I do, but I continue to push forward, attempt to lie to us that tomorrow will be different but rarely isn’t. I understand for each of us in this world, which make up about 8 billion people, each of us are unique, but there are those in this world that are made more unique, offered more opportunities, a small percentage who the world deems special, elite, more valuable to society then the rest, I am not one of those unfortunately.
As one the 8 billion people in this world I need to remember that I do have my own abilities, skills and talents and can not forget GOD created me unique in his eyes. Maybe in my small world here in California I am special, but not so much so that I make lots of money, as my skill set is not something someone can live without.
For now, I am functioning, continue to go to work, pay bills , make sure my family has a roof, food on the table and able to slowly get by, but my financial recovery has taken longer then expected, another point of exhaustion, where many would have thrown in the towel by now, surely if I was single, I would have done so a along time ago, well before I wrote my first blog and book.
Thank you for listening as always.
Joe Meyers Adventures 