The year is now 2022 and over the course of the years especially since 2010 and then in 2013, which is the year I got married and had my daughter. I can honestly say for most of life although I have been provided everything I need, a roof, clothes, food and of course those things I didn’t need. But once I got to my teenage years which can be tough for anyone, that is where my depression truly started to affect me and especially until late twenties and mid-twenties when I unfortunately decided to end it all, but did not succeed.
Hardships are a way of life for me
Since starting my family it has been tough, I have struggled to make it although I am educated man with a bachelors and master’s degree I had no street smarts. Over the years I have accepted everything that has been provided to me especially in my career, never questioning my worth of what a company said I was worth. Of course, many of us take jobs accepting the companies are just paying us fairly but in reality they are not because deep down its about their needs not ours.
Some of hardships I have been endured include being a good provider, not struggling for years financially but be a support to my wife and daughter which I have been, but I have also brought them through hell to make my career better.
For most my childhood and adult I felt worthless, because for most of childhood my grandfather who I live with told me I was worthless and a piece of shit who couldn’t do anything right and I believed it.
Over the course of years due to hardship I have changed, which most of us do. My heart was once soft, kind and tender has grown hard and at times filled with hate for mankind all at the same time supporting my family , loving them.
The Pandemic and My Change
Over the course of these last two years in the pandemic, I have grown harder, less patient and at times angrier. I feel myself slowly becoming radicalized and its not because I am watching Fox news or being on social media, but in reality, seeing what this world truly for what it is. We live in a world that is filled with greed, a world about getting what’s yours while stepping on your fellow man, women and child to get there. All the Rich can contest to this , as I believe many did not become rich or wealthy by being Intelligent and kind but really taking advantage of the weak and disadvantaged.
I have lived under the man’s thumb for all my life, living and serving others while the company gains wealth at my expense. Some would say well that is most of us and it is true, but when will we wake up to see we are only making others rich.
I often think of movies that reflect this and I am reminded of one of favorite films Metropolis, a film made in the 1930’s that depicts an under world of workers that keep society going as people slave away for the rich.
What has been eye opening for me is how easy it has been to take advantage of people and even more so during the last two years. People have lived in fear and continue to live in fear for good reason due to Covid as many have died and gotten sick over this Virius that I believe was purposely created to inflict pain on the world, Yes I believe the Chinese are the culprits. I know this may not be an opinion people will agree with as many continue to feel it was done on accident. But history will show Chinese hate the west and many other countries looking to destroy our way of life and they succeeded by stopping us in our tracks and the world for that matter.
But we have our own problems in the good Ole U.S as we have failed to control the Virus and help people be safe as many feel the government has forced its agenda on mask wearing, Vaccines and straight up fear. Ill admit the virus is real and can be deadly, as I got COVID weeks ago and to be honest I don’t feel the same. I feel as though I have lost a bit of myself, and I truly do not remember the month of January as I got sick early January.
Society Eats its Own Young
I have watched as I have seen society eat itself from within and even look to eat its young as we have all lost any sense of reality. As a man who believes in GOD, I see the writing on the wall to where we are headed and its not like I wasn’t warned to this earth and our country and the state of California going to hell as we speak, not state is immune to what is happening.
Yes the pandemic has changed our culture forever and continues to change it. We in society preach kindness but in reality, hate is what is protect to others. A sense of self righteousness rules society now, but deep down it has always been us versus them, The rich versus the poor, white versus black or brown and ultimately always thinking that those who make more are more important to society because society says the CEO is more valuable then the janitor or the mechanic.
When will we wake up truly to see we are all equal in this world, we are all human for the most part and in the end we all die and some either go to heaven or hell, but ultimately we die.
I truly worry for my 9 year old daughter, what this world will be like in 9 years when she is 18, hell I cringe at what will life be like in 5 years.
I think for 2022 maybe its time to get radical, change our thinking and belief in how we feel people treat us and our value and put more value in ourselves and off relying on companies and society to tell us our worth.
Love one another, especially your family they are truly the most important people in our lives, friends, co-workers, bosses are last on the list.
I grew up poor most of life, didn’t know I was poor until I realized what others around me had and that I didn’t have that like a nice, fancy rides, better clothes. Some may say those things are not important, but they matter.
Even today I am what you would consider middle class, we live in a good neighborhood apartment, daughter goes to a good school and district and I work in a profession many would consider decent, I work in software and I teach college part time.
My eyes continue to open as I see myself manifest into a new Joseph, its strange to see myself at times as I look in the mirror and see myself growing less concerned about what others think of me, defending my voice, speaking up more.
I often reflect on today through what I watch on TV and I love my TV and movies as this is sometime I reality I live in and some of my favorite movies include Rocky, Breaking Bad, Rambo, Expendables and others to name a few. We live in a world of violence to take what’s yours and don’t take shit from no one, that is what where I am headed. Not headed t
owards being violence of course, I am going to go out and do something crazy to myself or others but will start a war from within and protect that to people around me by my change in attitude and tone. Some of you may say but why, why change. We all need to change, because the world is going getting harder and we need to be a little harder ourselves.
This blog may not make a whole lota sense but it makes sense to me, but hopefully you see I am changing for better or worse unsure as this journey is taking me somewhere.