I’m Only Happy When it Rains

I often think about what the world would look like without me it.  It’s a hard question to ask ourselves at times because we are here sometimes fighting life, trying to survive. Some go through life with a silver spoon in their mouth, some are raised by parents that frankly shouldn’t even have kids and those have children, who are good parents but cannot fully provide for them. Just kids and we as people have a roof over our head, food on the table, clothes, transportation.

Life in LA

Growing up in Los Angeles it was a real shit hole, yes there are nice parts of the LA but I grew up in south central predominately Hispanic and black neighborhoods. My family having lived there most of our lives growing up in Los Angeles, Bell Gardens, Huntington Park and Downey.

Growing up you don’t always realize what a shit hole is even when you look around it appears this is how people live, its normal. Not everyone is rich or will rich, many just hope you live a middle class life style with the ability to do normal things like go to the movies, go on vacation, eat out, have decent clothes. I did have those things with a side of verbal abuse from the devil incarnate my grandfather who we lived with most of our lives, mother, sister and myself.

I’d like to think my upbringing wasn’t unusual, that there are others who probably had far worse upbringings with abuse, living in poverty.

Deep down I am never happy

Why do I think about these things, because I am sorry to say even today, even with my college degrees and the time I put into my career, I guess I was not smart enough, good enough to have real success which some would ask what real success is. There are obliviously different forms of success to have a nice home, lots of money in the bank, a nice job title and the respect of whose you work with being somewhat of a leader, but I am none of those things. I have attempted to push

my way up the latter often pushed back down, not allowed to prosper to move forward, but those in power keep me down. Those in power feel I am unworthy. The difficult thing is why do I care so much. Its starts from childhood, trying to be a pleaser of people.  Throughout my life I have tried to please teachers, Bosses, Family members, friends, colleagues, co-workers, customers you name it.

I ask myself the question is this life worth it and yes, their people that I love like my wife, daughter, sister, father, Brother-in-law and others. But I often wonder what life would be like to be a spirit and to wonder never to die.

Why Death is on my Mind

I think about death more these days, it could be what I watch, I watch a great deal of paranormal shows like Ghost adventures and the dead files. In the dead files Amy Allan who is a psychic speaks with the dead and Steve her partner a retired NYPD detective.

Something I found interesting is the dead stick around, their spirits, their souls whatever you wish to call it. But what I find interesting too is that there are those who pass, who are followers of Jesus, and their spirit stays here on earth. I guess I find it strange because often when Steve is interviewing the families or people who these hauntings happen, the families often state their loved ones loved Jesus and God but wonder why they are not at peace.

I am a believer, and I am a believer that we can’t be at rest if we feel we have not finished something here on earth like after death you still have a purpose and must stay and then you can move. Such as staying behind to look after a loved one. I have seen many times in Dead files loved ones stay behind to watch over a child, family member and then once the family member told them it was ok, their work was done then they moved on apparently.

Some do not even know they are dead, because their life is taken from them to live in a state of acting as if they are alive. I wonder If they continue to go to work each day, make breakfast, go to sleep. I am sure they will notice that they can not be seen. I am now thinking of the film “The Others” with Nicole Kidman.  One of the most eerie films around. I will not spoil it for you if you’ve never watched.

I also think about the film Thirteen ghosts and imagining all the tortured souls that wander around us, those who live in our homes maybe even watching us as we sleep, bathe and go about our day. We live in a world of spirits. I do believe all spirits will make their way to wherever they need to go whether its Heaven or hell.

What is the point of what I am saying, I am saying that I am in a form of despair and looking for a way out. Although I will not do anything, I am always searching for something in this life. Yes, I search for wealth, materialism, financial stability, mental stability, a sense of being ok, but I have not felt like that for a very long time. That is no reflection on my family, its not their fault, its me I am broken. I am sure many may feel this way.

In today’s world we live in a world of consumerism, a world where if you don’t live in a mansion or a nice home then you are nothing, you have failed and you are a failure. I am a failure and have been for many years since my teens and It has only gotten worse.

I think of myself as a failure of a father and husband because I can not provide what they deserve, I truly believe that my family deserves better. Some may say well money isn’t everything. Lots of people have money who are miserable, who hate life. Yes that is very true but at the end of the day they have choices with money, they can go to school, they can purchase what they need to feel better.

I hate feeling this way and often think if I was a spirt or ghost would I cease to exist and move on to heaven or stay here until I have peace. I am sure one day I will have peace but sadly I think I would have peace not being here anymore, but my family would be torment of not having me in their lives. I ask myself what worse living in torment at times is and being a good provider to my family or leaving them in need and torment of me not being around although they would eventually move on from seeing me in torment and grow to be happy themselves.

I know these are hard questions without a lot of answers. Many will say just live your life, talk to someone, get medicated but don’t do anything or think about doing anything, you are loved.

I hate having these feelings, they affect all areas of my life in my personal life, my work and teaching that these feelings get projected as sadness, anger, and fear.

For many of us we work to severely hide these feelings from people, even our family out of not trying to concern them , co-workers  and friends. Even today those who don’t suffer with these thoughts could never fully understand why we get these thoughts. I am honestly happy that those people don’t feel the way I do , that I know they probably struggle like everyone else, but can truly cope better and move on. With myself I can not always move on so quickly.

Suicide Continues to Haunt me

Not sure why I am think about this , but recently or even now its Suicide Prevention month  and  – was reading this article on Garbage’s front women : Garbage’s Shirley Manson opens up about mental health, menopause, suicide and survival: ‘I understand how somebody is driven to the point where they feel they need to escape’ (yahoo.com)

Amazingly she is 56 years old and I feel quite old now, as I grew up with this women, singing her songs and I believe I saw her in concert at one point.

Its hard not to live in the past when I think of the 90’s and early 2000’s, times that really shaped a person. Times that should have shaped me better in life but didn’t because of my depression, my anxieties and my contempt for life.

That is LIFE

Even today I feel I can not fully be content with my life, although one would say well you have everything you need, a roof over your head, food, some money, good jobs, what MORE do you want. What I want is to provide for my family and not feel like I am on a hamster wheel that I can not get off and enjoy the fruits of my labor. In California it feels like that, WORK, WORK , WORK, PAY , PAY, PAY, RENT, RENT, RENT, PAY , PAY , PAY, NEVER SLEEP, NEVER REST , then WORK, WORK, WORK.

Some of you may say well that’s life isn’t it. NO that is not all to life is working for the MAN. The MAN could care less about you and I although they say we are valued, we matter but we do Not. We are only as good as the value we bring to the company. The moment we stop to bring value, $$$$$ then we no good to the company any more.  Living in the U.S , a capitalist society that is engrained in the fabric of who we are.

At times when I write I know I write incoherently or in some type of rage, which I am at times because certain things burn within me. I imagine those of you who read this and are like what is this guy on and I assure you on I am not anything.

I guess will say that there are times I am happy for some reason. I happy to see my family prosper , having money in the bank, pay the bills which I can at the moment, feed my family and be able to take a decent vacation at least once a year to recharge. I don’t get to take a vacation often or on a year.

I guess one could say I’m only happy when it rains, because the weather matches to how I am feeling at time, or gloom. I have works to look on the brighter side of things, I really have, especially during those times in my life when I was searching for a better life, better career and so on.

This particular piece I am writing now I have been writing for weeks now, thinking maybe I will feel completely different, but I do not. I don’t want my family to suffer, to go without and as a father and husband it breaks my heart to see them go without.

From the looks of our life, we live like any other, have an apartment, good car, three jobs and a daughter who is nine.

I will work to calm my nerves, have peace, let go of the past, but that’s not easy. Its hard not to think back on my life, the wrong turns. Most if not all of make wrong turns in life. But what I have seen that many who make wrong turns often make those corrections to correct their life. Some work so hard to build a life but fail, have hardships and can never move forward in ways, that is how I feel and felt at times.

I will say it was not from lack from trying. I honestly had good intentions of having a career but my choices now that think of them were not the best, although not out of ordinary.  Today I work to be content with my life, what I have but know that life is a give and take. Although I would love to have more in life like money and possessions, I know deep down that is not important. Family and Love is what is important in this life but I know it does have some importance.

I love the rain, the lightning and thunder because I am only happy when it rains.  The rain washes away the bad and allows the good, which is what I hope for my life and anyone’s life. Let the bad wash away and the good stay.

My Faith Sustains Me

Last where my faith comes into this discussion as a man who believes in GOD, in Jesus Christ, I am conflicted at times. Not for my love of GOD or following what the bible says but really listening to GOD’s words and following them and going against my own nature.

Today I was listening to a message online from one of my home churches Calvary Chapel Downey and pastor Reyes talked about not living in the past and how often we live in the past and that is not what GOD wants and that often we worry about tomorrow.

I am thinking of this scripture:

And

Thank you for listening to my rants, my insecurities, my feelings of uncertainties, my flaws. I think its so important to know we are all flawed, and I know at times we may say well at least I am not as flawed as that other person, but in reality its not a competition we are just flawed differently. Some appear not be flawed but perfect. Perfect life, money, wealth, Family, beauty, good health, great career everything many of us crave but in reality, they are not perfect, they are broken people who are so good at showing the world a mask.  Is that you, if it is stop hiding, show your true self. Don’t be afraid to show your flaws, be proud of them, they are what make you perfect.