Just about Anything, Mental Health, Writing

Unfocused and Becoming Unhinged slowly

It was October 13th, 2019 when I was last unemployed , similar to this time around, but looking back my feelings at the time have not all the changed that much, but back in 2019 was in a much different place mentally and physically.

For those going through it due to being laid off or fired, this is for you. I was actually apart of the Tech Layoffs.

2019 Lay off/Firing

Since be unemployed something that many of us or most of us have experienced, I have been taking it harder then usual because I have a family to support. I am trying to take it day by day, some days are better then others.

I keep replaying and feeling as a complete failure right now, as I search for work knowing ageism is kicking in soon and getting remarks from interviewers that I am “Too Qualified” for the jobs I apply for, like I don’t need to work, eat and pay bills.

I think all too often we look at a single piece of paper a resume and already assume the person would not be happy. I am perfectly content just working, although its great to have a career direction such as if your accountant, a lawyer , doctor you get the the point.

I take these situations even more personal now then lets say 10 years ago when I did have a wife and daughter to support and have my daughter who looks up to me as an example of stability.

I can’t sleep at times, luckily haven’t lost my hunger but that may be next, I feel myself slowly slipping back into a depression state at times, my anxiety beginning to take hold of me, the negative voices coming back.

I equate much of my success and happiness to having a job, being a provider for my family and society and if I cant do that I feel useless. I have thought what choices I have I can continue looking for work which is what I do, I can become a consultant, learn new skills, finish my novel and edit the damn thing, so there is a lot I can do, but with this life bump in the road I feel at a standstill.

I am thankful my wife is working almost full time which helps, but I am the breadwinner of the family, its my role to care for the family and provide. I know that sounds old fashioned, but I take great pride in being the provider.

Right now I feel lost, unworthy, hopefully those feelings will change soon. I have a strong support system but there is only so much they can do, aside from be positive , you will get a job, don’t worry. What many don’t understand about me is I need stability like most and this really throws me for a loop.

For those out there, following me keep me in your thoughts and if you pray, pray for me during this time. I know its something we all experience from time to time, but that doesn’t mean its easy to overcome. I am applying for jobs each day, trying to take care of my mental health by exercising, eating right and trying to get enough rest and trying to be positive for the future.

I am sorry I have been away from my normal scheduled programming of my short stories I have some still, hopefully we will get back on schedule for all of you to enjoy.

Take care and thank you!

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