My dark thoughts have already been in overload since losing my primary job March 2nd. I am working to be positive but its not easy for someone who has the tendency to think of the worst case scenario. I tend to dream about an escape out of this situation as this type of situation brings me trauma. Although I understand that many are struggling through this exact experience but for someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety and thoughts of escape.
The other night I dreamt what my family wife and daughter would be like If I was not in the picture, if I decided to just end my life. They would be ok financially, but they would suffer emotional pain of me not being there. I know many don’t like to think about that or even make it a topic because we should all want to live even in the toughest situations but each of us are created differently. Some have that bold spirit to keep pushing forward no matter what. Although adversity happens to all of us, many of us think of just today, something years ahead and how their lives will be affected and how they can prevent collapse of one’s livelihood.
Each day I look at LinkedIn and see the despair people are going through the job loss, but put in perspective its not every industry, its been primarily in tech, which is exactly the industry I was in as an implementation consultant, just a title, more like a project manager. In the last five years I have gone through 3 layoffs. Part of the reason my mind has shifted dark could be related to that I am viewing on television and online, which can have a negative affect over my thinking, and I tend to carry that into my sleep.
One of the darkest thoughts I have is why do as society stigmatize suicide and euthanasia, that when people are suffering and we all suffer differently cant people just be allowed to die in their own way. Why is it that we as society try to hard to stop people from ending their lives. I get we shouldn’t encourage people to do that, but if people make a choice and even have support from their family and friends, why is that so wrong.
I know these are the thoughts I think and have even found a article on such subject:
Why Is Suicide a Leading Cause of Death in the U.S.? | Thriveworks
The conflicting side of this is ones belief system as a believer in Christ, I know its morally wrong to do such an act. But I know we also have a loving god who is also forgiving. Sadly I have seen and heard about many pastors who have committed this act. They are human, they suffer and as much as I would like to believe they are stronger in their faith, they human side of them is weak like all of us.
My mind races to the men especially who have committed this act like Chris Cornell (which is debatable per his spouse), Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, Johnathan Brandis and others.
I truly believe people should have a choice, yet I understand the morality of taking one’s life especially from an eternal perspective. Being a believer in JESUS, I know he would want me to live, relying on him during those challenging times, those trials. Often listening to the word of GOD especially messages on dealing with adversity and trials,
James 1:2, comes to mind:
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials.
When I have dark thoughts especially during times like these, I often remember those times, although they were each under different circumstances, I was a different person each of those times. For example, in my last job lay off in October 2019, that was particularly difficult because it was during the holiday season I was left jobless, Before that it was in January/February 2018, so as you still three changes in employment not by choice in the last five years. I can hear employers now, “WELL IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN JOB HOBBING A LOT”. I hate those words as I have heard employers say them often to me, even in my twenties when its expected to figure out what you want to do in your life.
I truly believe GOD is in control, that what we go through is appointed to our growth and we mostly overcome those things in our life like a loss of a job. A job where we as people slave for an employer to pay us so we can live and eat and have health insurance.
I search for ways to alleviate the stress of job loss, my racing mind, my worries, anxieties and my thinking of escape from this situation. There are moments of levity when I read a positive story of someone who has also struggle with finding a position to be hired and hear their excitement.
I want to believe what I am struggling with is normal, that people go through this all the time and in reality, is true, since many of us rely on organizations for employment, but I think there must be another way.
As of late I have been deep in nostalgia watching my comfort television shows and movies remembering those times and I would say even simpler times. When I say simpler times, I would say pre cellphones and social media. Currently I am binge watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Night court, the new version and the 80’s version and finishing off with Rocky, all of them and lets add Cinderella man, love that movie.
During these times, I tend to self-reflect on my life, my mistakes in career choices, my choice in positions and overall, my choices. I know I should not dwell in the past, but its difficult when decisions of the past really affect me today such as the first college I attend out of high school , Cal State Maritime Academy, but left after a few months due to my depression and struggling academically, ending up completing my studies at DeVry University and Keller Graduate School for my masters. Although I am happy I went for higher education, now that I think of it I should have made better school choices.
I am trying not to let the voices in my head get to me, they are not literal yet, but a constant voice of telling me about failures and then usually ending with my way out of this life.
This piece I have been contemplating over two weeks, because these feelings are not just going to go away, yes I am hurting. But trying to put things in perspective, that it’s a job and a job is not me, I am me. I am unique, I have skills, I have lots to offer that another company will want. Yes this self-doubt is getting to me and I need to stop.
I hope in time my mind will shift once I start to get employers to see what I have to offer and even better if a new opportunity comes along soon.
In the meantime I am hopeful for today, but tomorrow is a new day and hopeful the weeks don’t bleed into the next.
For those going through times like these, looking for work, going through financial difficulties, health struggles we all have to believe it will be ok. It may not be today, but it may be. Let’s keep our head up, that includes myself.
This rant was made possible by a man in desperate need to work soon, who supports a family, has rent, bills like many, but is also going through challenging times and I am not alone.
Lastly , a late addition to resources that I was provided in responses to those who are considering using anti-depressants , which I will say help , but like anything else there are risks you should be aware of. Take a look at this research from Drugwatch.com.