May 16th having starting a new role after a couple of forced months of involuntary unemployment. A role unlike I have ever been in but with some familiarity in my field of project management. It was been stressful, uncomfortable causing me to think of my past choices, especially the position I turned down which was very familiar territory in that it was similar to my last position.
I’d admit I did think and question what I did, did I make the right choice, thinking for a moment that nothing is permanent, that I needed to relax and take the time to remember that many of these feeling are normal, that starting any new position is not always familiar unless you stay in a certain industry and have been in the same industry, but I have not as I have been in different industries from education, finance , software development and now utilities.
The people for the most part have been welcoming, willing to help me and support me, but at the end the day I need to perform at my role in a different way. Most of my tasks are familiar in projects, such as communicating, meetings, project updates but some aspects are very different as I am in a support role, a support to the project and project manager, I am not the shot caller.
I get the opportunity to work with many of legal, regulatory, environmental, engineering and so many others who work on a single project worth over 100 million dollars. The projects are large and complex typically taking anywhere from five to ten years to complete, nothing compare to projects that took four months to complete.
As of late I have been despondent, not fully happy in my new role. Yes I am happy the bills and rent is being paid, but I go to work each day, a new day, new things to learn and doing my best not to make errors, but overall be a good teammate. Working in corporate America is very familiar and I have worked in corporate America for years, where there’s a coldness to it, a cut throat environment at times and a hierarchy where I am once again at the bottom.
I came to this company for a purpose, to learn and be apart of industry that can be difficult to infiltrate, but I am here. I am here to learn skillsets you cannot learn elsewhere, but along the way I will discovery if this was all worth it.
Since I was laid off in March, I have been in a constant state of unrest. Even when I got my first job offer, I was still in unrest, I was happy, but I wasn’t and then the position that I am at now was offered to me.
Deep down I had my hesitations, a gut feeling but it was a company I had wanted to work for over 10 years, my moment had arrived or had it. I should listen to my gut feeling, the last time I didn’t, similar scenario I took the job and eighteen months later I was fired.
The firing did lead to better positions and where I am today, so I can imagine where this experience can lead me years from now.
I have had no real peace in my life for months, even when I should feel better as I stay awake for hours, my brain refuses to turn off, feeling tired in the mornings, but I push through and get the job done.
Sadly it is common for me to take on roles, I am not always passionate about, but do it for the paycheck , gain some experience until I search for something that I will be passionate about.
What I have struggled with and like many struggles with is often I am put in situations where I work with people who are difficult to work with as I personally have a hard time with people who are very direct, finding I tend to take what people tell me personal and internalize that response and carry it with me everywhere.
I am overcome with guilt since turning down the other position, as I held on to both that role and the role I took to the last minute, unable to make up my mind. I regret I continued to give the other company hope that I would start only to renege, burning a bridge. I did follow up with that other company, but they declined to give me another chance, which eats me up.
I have had a few feedback sessions with the project manager, my manager and supervisor providing feedback on areas of improvement which I have taken wholeheartedly and to implement.
I will continue to make improvements, do my best. What has been a relief to me is my co-workers around me who given me positive encouragement, assurances that what I am feeling in the job is normal such as being overwhelmed, learning the system, procedures and being apart of the culture.
Each day it does get a little bit easier, as I adjust my approach to how I do my job, taking the feedback, but always remembering I am not in control of the outcome of my time at this company. I am hopeful I can stay a few years and then move but only GOD knows how long I will be here.
I pray that my mind will come to rest, that I can rest physically and continue on my way to enjoy my life. During this time, my mind and thoughts have been particularly dark.
What I have found comfort in is writing, putting my thoughts out here instead out on LinkedIn as I tried to do that and have concerned coworkers reach out to me. For now, I will push forward each day, give it my best and essentially wait for whatever god has planned.
In this time I need to work to control my emotions, attempt to be content and accept the way things are for now. There are some lessons I have learned during this whole season in my life.