Preparing my Heart to say Goodbye.

As of late, I am under great distress over searching for a new job after my last role did not work out. My mind is living in regret, as I replay my career and personal failures over and over again never resting. For many losing a job is traumatic enough because of the stress of lack of income, lack of health insurance, lack of job purpose.

My Despair Begins

For me being someone who is the main support of the family, I have rent, food, bills quite overwhelming add to that the constant rejection especially those when I go above and beyond to make myself stand out in the job interview only to get rejected.

I think over and over again about my last role which I really like the position, but unfortunately, I wasn’t being allowed to learn, the person who I support the Project Manager was passive aggressive to me, threatening my job and sadly no one could do anything, because I was considered a contractor, not regular employee up against a 20 year employee. Adding insult to injury, I took this role in place of a role I now highly regret, no longer available.

It probably would have been fine, if the other role I had properly given up that role, instead of kept changing my mind as I told the employer I was going to take the role, then not take it and then take it and then finally giving it up, I blew it. I know it’s a learning experience, but It was a great role and the role I gave up was a good role, it was a position that I felt was an opportunity of a lifetime for me.

I guess I could have stuck it out, but the company put a nail in the coffin when they wanted to place me on a PIP plan (performance improvement plan) after only 5 weeks on the job, I hadn’t even been fully trained yet, I was still learning, yet the PM was reporting me to my manager and supervisor on what she didn’t like about my performance.

For many this would not be a reason to leave, many would stick with the position, work to deal with the people who are not allowing you to do your job and ignore the person, but I was not able to just ignore the person, I was basically like her support to the projects, she was not someone I couldn’t just ignore. Its been painful for me as one of my most memorable failures adding to that I was laid off in March.

My Depression and Anxiety

As of late my depression and anxiety has taken a toll on me, as I am unable to be at peace, unable to rest and sleep in a constant state of worry. I have truly contemplated end of life, but I am unable to do that right now as I would leave my wife and daughter practically penniless as my life insurance is not fully vested past two years as there are clauses that would prevent payment before two years. Many would think that I shouldn’t be thinking about this, that everything will be ok, I will get a job, be patient, give yourself a break.

In my mind I think about losing our apartment, unable to support my wife and daughter as my mind falls in despair as I think about how I would leave this world. I think about what would happen to my wife and daughter, would they be ok. In my mind I can’t help thinking they would be better off no longer needing to worry about me as they each could have a real chance at happiness, to be financially free to a long time not to worry about the financial matters of this world. 

Deep down I’d like to think that this world is not about money, that’s its about living, running the race of life, getting to the natural finish line of life when we take our natural last breath on our death bed well into our older age. I think about all of those in my life family and some friends who may miss me but in time they would move on , the years would pass and I would soon be forgotten.

Most I don’t believe think about their last days or the value of their life, but truthfully I do as the old phrase in my mind sticks “Your worth more dead than alive”. Sadly these thoughts are nothing new to me as I have attempted to take my life before but many years ago in 2007 well before my wife and daughter were in my life.

My attempt was by hanging and I almost would have succeeded except my sister had come home just as I was hanging, and she pulled me down and from there the rest is history you can say.

I would imagine if I was to go out again, I would probably go in the same fashion as I remember the rope put me out in a matter of seconds as I remember darkness, stars and then I was out, then suddenly conscious again.

Another strange thought I have if I decide to take this fateful step, is my spirit, will it directly go to heaven or will my spirit stay earth bound. As many of you are aware I have an interest in paranormal thinking its possible my spirit may wish to stay behind to make sure my wife and daughter will be ok, protecting them the best I could from the afterlife.

My mind not well right now as I feel very conflicted right now as I am a man of faith, a man who believes in GOD and I know God wants me to have faith in him that everything will be worked out to his glory. Its not that I don’t have faith, although It may seem like I don’t but I am scared, my mind and heart are not well right now.

I am confident in where my soul is going if I was to attempt what I am thinking, although Christians may believe that if one was to take their life, they would immediately go to hell, but that is not something I believe because our GOD is a loving, forgiving and merciful GOD and my soul goes to eternity for believing in him and I have to believe as many who love GOD especially those who were pastors have sadly struggle with mental health and have taken that course, in heaven now.

I truly do have a lot to do if that day comes, such write and finish any remaining books, create more blogs and vlogs which are all meant to leave behind my words, my thoughts, who I was for those who once knew me especially for my daughter.  It saddens me to think of not being able to see her grow up, attend her firsts of everything, missing graduations, first dates, major milestones. One can say well you can be there, you don’t have to do anything.

At this point although I have a great deal of many skills and can find another role, its look bleak out there as many in tech are also looking, although I am not specifically looking for jobs in tech, I am open. I have had a few interviews and although good positions pay well below what I have been making for years, making it difficult to survive on those wages.

The Search Continues

I will continue to apply for jobs, interview, take care of the family the best of my ability, but I feel my mental health will continue to deteriorate, my feelings of worthlessness will continue until I get back on my feet. Some may say well maybe you should see a therapist, speak to something. Being that I have struggled with mental health for many years, I honestly do not believe a therapist will help me with the fundamentals of getting a job, providing for my family.

For those who are going through joblessness right now, depression and anxiety my hope is it will get better, but until then I am planning my exit strategy, leaving behind no questions about why and if I did what I plan to do.

For now I will keep fighting, pushing forward and trying to stay positive, but right now that will be tough.

Here are some resources for those struggling :

https://www.floridarehab.com/co-occurring-disorders/depression/