The Internal War I Fight Each Day!

Did you know September is Suicide Prevention Month?

I find this to be important to many out there who are struggling like myself. I often think of suicide and in all honestly, I think of how I will plan my exit in this world. Even when things appear to be ok or well, I think about it. I think in all honestly that I am a failure even though one will see and say you have nothing to be ashamed of, you have education, degrees, and a good career more than most people have, all true.

There is a WAR Within ME!

But deep within me a war is going on, a fight, a struggle to accept myself, to feel content but sadly I have felt this way for many years even when one can say you shouldn’t feel this way. I have a family, a wife I love, a daughter, sister, father, brother-in-law, I don’t really have friends unfortunately as most friends I have tried to make have recoiled from me, run from me after they get to know me and that is why I have chosen not to try t make friends.

Even at work, I work to keep that part of my life private to prevent employers from cutting me/firing me and coworkers especially since many fear working with me after I disclose how I feel at times, yes depression is stigmatized, those who speak about suicide fear discussing it and I get it.

Even my loving wife when I try to discuss my feelings she fears for me, feels bad and doesn’t want to hear that I have these feelings and I get it, you don’t want your loved ones to talk about ending their life, it’s too painful to think of them not around, but what is scary is I do not fear not being here anymore, because in my mind I am checking out, but not before leaving my family financial secure.

MONEY DOESN’T BUY HAPPINESS BUT IT SURE HELPS

I know money doesn’t buy happiness, it cannot replace a person, a person is much more valuable than money. In my mind I see Money as being more valuable because in this world Money talks, if you don’t have money, you are nothing, you can not eat, drink and sleep, no shelter, nothing, your nothing.

Many of you have lost someone to suicide and I have read many articles of people who have lost loved ones wondering myself, what does one feel losing someone to suicide, what are the feelings they have. I am sure people are anger, full of guilt, depressed, confused, lost and a flood of other feelings and emotions.

People continue to say Suicide is selfish, but in my mind, I say its selfless, because I would live my family in a better way because they would no longer have to see my suffering, they would be able to live life in peace to have everything I could not provide for them.

I AM A FAILURE!

In my eyes I am a failure, I have failed to be a good provider to my wife and daughter. Yes, we have a roof, we have food, clothes, but we have little money. I know from the sound of what I am saying so many other people live like I do, that is LIFE. Many struggles worse off with health issues, money issues, homelessness yet they continue to push forward, which amazes me and I ask WHY!  Why live life like that, why not just take yourself out of the equation, end your suffering, but again many don’t feel the need to end their life, they want to live.

You see people in great depression, thoughts of suicide and even performing suicide want to live, but feel they have no choice, their pain is too great, something therapy, medicine will not cure.  I continue to go to work each day, try, learn. I continue to teach my students, continue to take care of my family, love my wife and daughter but each day there is that thought that my time is almost going to be finished here and I plan for that day. I even think about how I will do IT.

I would do IT in private away from prying eyes, away from people, but still in a way someone would find me, inform my family. I would leave them last words, my love on paper or video and I would leave them with money to survive of course which in hopes will bring them comfort and move on with their lives not to struggle, to be financially better as I truly believe “I AM WORTH MORE DEAD THAN ALIVE”.

 You see I am someone who hopes that these feelings will go away, that the tide will change in my life, that I will have no reason to take this step, but I do not see that happening. As I grow older, I see myself as less valuable to society, to my career and I know my family values me, loves me but If I cannot support, care, provide for them then what good am I.

People say all you need is LOVE, but that is not true, you need love, food, shelter, Money to be truly ok.  I think of the love of my wife and daughter, I think if I am not here how would my wife and daughter think of me, would it affect them mentally, would it destroy them emotionally, could they move on, I believe they would, I don’t think I am that important.

MY ATTEMPT OF 07

For those who do not know, I did attempt to commit suicide in February 2007, but it just so happens my sister came home at that time, when I was in the middle of act of hanging. I do remember blacking out shortly, then waking up on the floor as my sister had used feats of strength to remove me from the noose around my neck, to this day I know she will never forget that image, even bringing up any memory of that day she immediately freaks out, gets angry and has even cried. Some of you may say well of course who wouldn’t want to remember that that is a horrible memory, but I do not remember as I was seconds away from not being in this world.

I LOVE MY FAMILY and ALWAYS WILL

I love my wife, my daughter, my family, sadly I just don’t love myself enough to want to be here as I am constantly keeping score to those who are more successful, have more money, have better family lives, who have picture perfect lives. When I look at my family, I see love from my wife and daughter, but myself in despair.

When you look at a picture of me you see my smile, but it’s a fake smile at times, not always, but fake because in a picture no one wants to see a sad face. If ever in the future I am not here anymore I would want my family to remember me smiling.  

Most days I feel great anger for my mother not being in my life because she died in 2015, I feel great anger my mother cannot see my daughter grow up, care for her, spend time with her. When I see others who have the privilege of being a mother and grandma, I get angry because they have no idea what it means not to have your mother around, often taking them for granted.

I do not wish anyone warm, I do not wish for people not to have their loved ones, mother, grandma, grandpa around but to appreciate them and remember that there are those who do not have the privilege and I believe it is.

THESE DAYS

These days of mine are filled with angst, sadness, depression, thoughts of suicide. But I will say that helps get me through my days not only my family, but my GOD Jesus, listening to his words, reading his words, seeing and feeling his love. I know JESUS doesn’t want me to end my life, I know he wants me to live, to be happy and know he is in control of EVERYTHING, and I believe he is.

He is in control, he is in control of my past, present and future. He is in control, he was in control when we lose our jobs, when we get sick, when we encounter trials, but of course we are also given free choice to make decisions that can cause hardships upon ourselves, but GOD will provide for us, clean up our messes and redeem us.

For me, I know if I was ever to take the step to end my life, GOD would forgive me and because I believe in him he would welcome me to heaven, I know not ideal in the sense because I would love to grow old and go in GOD’s time, I do not believe GOD wants us to take our life, but again gives up free will.

For those considering something like this, you should talk to someone of course, but at the end of the day you will decide and must live with leaving your family, friends, and loved ones behind especially if you have significant others and kids especially.

I am thinking of Stephen “Twitch” Boss to end his life last year, the DJ of Ellen who ended his life although he had a beautiful wife, kids and looked like a beautiful life with Money and fame, but even that was not enough.

For those reading this, I know some of you may feel concerned, but please don’t be, I am at peace for my thoughts, but maybe I shouldn’t be. For now I will continue to push forward, survive, love my family, support them, support others and make attempts to heal my broken mind, heart and spirit in hopes I don’t have to consider ending my life prematurely and live a long life until the Good Lord calls me home, that is my hope.