I often reflect on the state of my mind as at times I feel like I am going into madness, unpredictability and on edge, which I feel most of the time. I feel defensive now this point in my life, like when is something going to be taken from me, like money, my job, my health.
My Daughters Generation is Nothing like mine
I can not help looking around and attempting to compare today’s times to those of the age my daughter Mikaylah is which is age 11. It would have been 1991 when I was age 11, living In Bell Gardens, California or as renamed it Bell Garbage.
Reflections of Yesteryear
I was in the 5th grade most likely, going to Suva Intermediate, home of the Bull dogs. I was the fat kid like I am today, instead I see myself as the fat man.
Being the Fat Kid Was Painful
I was a sweet kid, shy, reserved, tried to keep to myself, in my own world not having many friends from what I remember, sticking to myself on most days. I would like to write, doddle and wander, as I loved to wander around the school on breaks and lunch as I attempted to explore different parts of the school.
I lived with my mother, sister and grandfather, who I call Devil, since that is what he resembled with this verbal torture he would inflict on me , my sister and mother every single day with no peace in the house, as we constantly be told we need to keep the house keep, pick up after the dogs, make sure we kids were quiet and never, ever were we talk back or else, punishment.
Mom, Our Defender
Mom constantly defended my sister and I having blow outs at times with the Devil, but we never left as mom needed us kids to have a roof and it was hard for her, god bless her tried, working hard, but it didn’t seem to be a enough.
I made it point never to treat my own family like that, but there are things I have my moods, my moods come more frequently as I come home, tired, having to get ready for my 2nd job at 6pm Monday – Thursday, with little time just to sit down and relax and enjoy time to myself.
I feel I have really let my family down at times as I don’t spend enough quality time with them as I work full time and part time, leaving me little for anything else and Mom/wife works in the evenings most of the week.
The Changing Seasons of Life
I had an opportunity last year to have more freedom with a full time that paid me much more, where I could have technically had one job and we would have been okay, but I blew those opportunities, because I am an idiot who couldn’t decide, taking one of the jobs that end up being a mistake , having to leave, start the job search all over again, finally leading me to where I am today. The money is still good, but not as great as the other two jobs.
Being Thankful
I am thankful for work, because frankly one never knows when the gravy train will stop. Thankful I am still fairy young at 44 and able bodied, still with enough fuel in my tank to go many more years, but that is not up to me, but GOD to keep me healthy, employed, and okay.
The Fear of Aging
I fear when I get old and if I am out of work past fifty as by then I would be considered past my prime in this world as we for the most part reject people over fifty and forget about 60 and above, you are basically useless to companies despite having all your facilities, to society your garbage, a young man or woman’s game at that point.
If that was to happen to me at that age and society rejects me in the workforce, I would definitely call it a day and that would be end, a sure sign from GOD that my time has come. Although many would argue not to give up, keep pushing forward, go for the gold, you’ll get another job, but Nah Society, especially ours is ruthless discarding people due to age and viability.
For now, I will hold tight as I feel I have usefulness, but only time will tell as I see so many fighting to survive to live, but I ask why. Who can endure being unemployed for 8,9, 12, months or more that is unacceptable in a society who is supposed be well advanced with plenty of work to go around, but no employers have other plans in who they want in their offices, very selective choices that have nothing to do with skills, but physical appearance.
Sizeism Exist and hurts many
Studies have shown in live in a world of ageism, sizeism ( https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-022-01536-y#:~:text=Despite%20this%2C%20weight%20discrimination%20is,over%20the%20past%20few%20decades. ) , racism, where it is my belief that those Caucasian , taller and more European looking have no problem finding work despite their age as society tends to see them as more valuable, something I’ve personally witnessed but the argument is well they must be qualified but even in society you look those higher profile individuals in business and politics who do great harm but are allows too such as people like Musk and Bezos, Gates, and others who are allowed to get alway with doing and saying as they wish despite the harm that’s caused, another current example is Trump.
Times, They are a Changing
Today I see the change in times each day and although we all human, different generations shape the lives and workplace of others because they are the majority now. I see Gen Z, Alpha and boy they seem uninhibited, free to act and say what they want and feel my generation X was often not allowed, told to follow the rules, which have seemed to disappear. I guess it’s good that the generations of today feel they can express themselves in different ways in society and the workplace.
Don’t know what the Future holds
I don’t know what my future looks like but I will attempt to appreciate my age, my experience and where I am today, but can’t help to feel little value to society as younger generations have surpassed me in so many ways like wealth, but there are areas we have gone back in time too like having conversations with people, reading, writing, the basics at times as many are addicted to their devices, wrapped up in the lives of celebrities, influencers who appear to have better lives then you, but looks can be deceiving as how many of people have we seen kill themselves confusing me in how can someone who appears to have everything do that like money, fame, good health and the lists goes on.
A failure in my eyes
I ask myself each day how did I get to this point in life , how did I survive? Imagining if I had succeeded so many years ago where my soul would be right now, thankful, but unable to help feeling disappointed in my self , which is constant and it’s not that i don’t feel appreciative or grateful for the things I do have but fail in this life on different levels especially financially , and I see myself as a poor provider despite my family having a roof over our head, food, clothing and the necessities but every little excess.
Self Aware on so many levels
I will continue to self reflect, in hopes of being the best me, but the negativity and self deprivation will never end as my mind will not be at rest until some miracle happens or I’m no longer earth bound but heaven bound.
Until my next rant, stay tuned because my mind can be triggered any moment now.
Joe Meyers Adventures 