For some of us, we may say good riddance to the previous year, for me that was 2023 and I was on the verge of saying that to 2024, but had to really think about this year, the struggles, the blessings. No year is perfect although 2022 was close to great along with 2021, which I thank GOD for. But I am still recovering from 2023 financially and that will carry over into this year, but hopefully not for long. I am emotionally drained from the last part of 2024, my depression and anxieties still on high alert. What I can say from this time one year ago is that I started a job in September and happy to say I am still enjoyed with the same employer thank GOD.

My Constant Attempt at Hope

I have attempted to stay optimistic this year, but I will say I was not easy, it was financially one of the toughest years I have had in years, stretching the finances to the limit and to the breaking point at times, almost breaking me. I will say that one thing that has remained constant was my depression which like many have my good days and bad, the only difference this is year I did have a lot more suicidal ideation which has gotten worse, as I have contemplated ending it, but wishing to be sure my family would be financially secure if I was to. Its never one’s intention to leave this earth early, but life forces one to make choices, I should have to consider making appointment to see my doctor possibly to be placed on some type of antidepressant but found years ago when I was un antidepressants, they made me more depressed.

Today and this year, I cannot complain when it comes to my work as I have the most supportive team I have EVER had as the people who work with are just amazing not only in the job, they do but amazing people, professional and respectful to each other. Although no job is perfect, the money could be better for the job I do and it just leads to me remember the jobs I HAD in 2023 that paid far more than I had ever made, but the environment was toxic, a place where I thought would be my dream company but turned out to be a nightmare or this also causes me to think about the Job I let get away, the burnt bridge that also could have paid me much more but again, I let that job slip through my fingers, thinking how much the money could have helped me and the family today.

This year at my day job I have learned so much, a better worker and with stability each day, which again I am thankful, but there is always but. But what if…. I know I need to do better at letting go and will.

My Writing Has Saved Me and Kept me Going

One of the things that has kept me sane is my writing, blogging, Vlogging and book writing. This year I am proud to say I put out 5 books, YES 5. 3 smaller books of my short stories when I was a child and 2 Novels, the Menagerie Locket and Pounds of Flesh. Plus, I have more books coming out in 2025.

As we go into 2025, It important that we reflect on the successes and even challenges and what some would call failures, because for the most part many of us have them. Unless you are on those individuals who knows no failures, that your life has been gravy from day one.

I wish I had those years; I wished I just had one year professionally where I was promoted into new roles, put in a position of leadership or power which I could feel I am making some difference in the lives of others. Maybe in my life I had those moments and squandered them but today I don’t have those moments. I don’t know if others are affected by this lack of success in their life or just content to have a job and be healthy.

For me I hoped for so much more in my life, especially when I graduated college so many decades ago.  I’ve had to find other things to fulfill me, writing be one  of those and of course my family whom I love, but even when I look at my family today and the 2024 I have failed them tremendously, as for many families years are meant to grow financially, and we have not in years, which pains me, as to why I stick around and just allow my wife to collect the life insurance and she can begin her life in the way it was meant to be.  My daughter I know who grew up without a father but would have enough money to provide everything she desires in this life in her wants and needs.

For the most part, New years messages should be full of hope for the new year that great things will come, but sadly I only see good things coming to others and wish those things for others like my wife, my daughter and family, but I am all about given up hope, which is difficult because my hope is in Jesus as he knows everything that will happen in the new year. He knows who will succeed, who will deal with adversity, he knows who will not be here next year.

Sadly, today I was just informed that one of my co-workers who has been instrumental in my training and success husband passed away unexpectedly.

The Enduring Pain

I pains me that I don’t feel excitement for the new year or even for another year of life, when deep down I know I should and we should all feel grateful and thankful and my heart is just no in it as my financial struggles overcome me and although financial struggles are here today, gone tomorrow, these troubles have been with me it seems like for years, I am exhausted and looking forward to a good change, where I can once again smile again. Smiling, I know many would say is a choice.

I just don’t appreciate my life anymore sadly and even though I hope and pray for change, it doesn’t seem to come in the way I feel I need. I am not questioning God and what he provides or does for me, but I am tired of feeling this way, and my mind I don’t know if 2025 will be my last days on earth here, I guess I all depends on what happens. Will the year just turn around miraculously by the hand of GOD he can make it happen, or will I continue to struggle, go through trials to my breaking point.

For many out there don’t let me damper your spirits, be happy, be merry, love life and enjoy the new year, because it is a blessing and I know that but maybe in time I will appreciate the year ahead instead of focusing on the past two years which haven’t been too kind to me and my family.

God Bless you and 2025!