Hopefully you don’t experience feelings of complete inadequacy like me. It doesn’t help that I struggle with depression, anxiety and imposter syndrome among other ailments. I tend to be one of those who has always looked and compared my life to those around me, despite not knowing the person, but where is particularly affects me is those who I deem to be much younger and much more fantastic lives, often celebrities, business people, but ultimately younger as Iook back at myself and see how much I have failed in this life. I don’t know why but it could we in society constantly bombarded with images of celebrities, of beauty, of wealth, constantly thrown in my face and our faces in what we don’t have in this life.
As stupid as it may sound, I feel triggered by things like a Cadillac commercial, as I often see what appears to be a respectable, well-dressed person taking a long drive in their new caddie with a big smile on their face, as life is good for them. I get it, it’s just a commercial meant to do and invoke feelings for those watching like myself, as Cadillac wants a consumer to get up and say well “That’s a nice car”, imagining driving your own.
Commercials have always had a negative effect on me and having been a professor for so many years and at one point teaching marketing, I am familiar with the purpose of marketing of products and how it’s supposed to invoke feelings, which is what marketers want. Strangely, which may not make sense, why don’t commercials seemingly have real people who look like most of society, meaning those who are middle class or lower-class people, and I get it selling to the those in lower class won’t sell. When I see a Wal-Mart commercial the people in the commercial always tend to look well off, in their beautiful, spacious homes, you would never see a commercial of someone living in an average or even below average home like a simple apartment, because that doesn’t sell, it’s an illusion.
No, I am NOT a Swifty…Simply Tired
Another way I reflect on my self inadequacy as a person is the constant attention to celebrities like Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, That Sweeny actress, Sydney Sweeny and Glen Powell, The Kardashian’s and lists goes on. I often even look at those in the church pastors, who led mega churches and pass the torch to their children to lead the church as they step down or aside, providing them with they’re individual kind of fame, prominence.
Frankly I am tired of seeing how much better their lives are and I get it, many would say well, just don’t look, turn off the tube, keep strolling, ignore it. Kind of difficult where every time you turn it’s there, telling how much the rest live miserable existences. For many you may not devote so much attention to having and having not, but it has become almost a sickness in this world of consumerism.
From those non-celebrity types, we have people in government, politicians, business leaders who in their right treated like rock stars. Is it that I am looking for the same attention, NO. I am looking for the peace they have in their lives in having an abdunance of wealth to always have housing, always having food, always being able to purchase whatever they want and need, instead of having to deny myself each day for myself and my family, which only forces to examine my existence as a provider.
This only forces me to think back on my times after college, the career choices I have made, the time I have spent trying to build a career to make money to support myself and my family. I’ll admit, I love my family, families are expensive, but I equate a lot of that to living in California.
Life in California can be a daily struggle even for a professional like myself where I work a full time and part time job and it’s still not enough. I am exhausted from working 12-hour days for years and nothing to show for it, but I am sure the landlords get fat and those bare necessities that were once affordable are becoming out of reach, especially purchasing a home.
This is where my mind takes a dark turn, as I often think, my wife and daughter would just be better off financially if I passed today, they could cash in on my life insurance, giving them the financial freedom they deserve. I cannot help but look at my life choices and think to myself, where did I go wrong, was it the college I went to, which I am sure has some relevance to my overall success, unfortunately I did go to a reputable college, although when I attended over 20 years ago, it was my option and went out of convenience but I regret choosing that college, but don’t regret getting an education as the education I received was good.
The College indoctrination of a Better Life
I am sure I am overthinking this and I am positive I am not the only person who feels this as there are many who feel college was not worth the cost and offered no real benefits to a person’s career, but many would say its all in what you make of it and I tried, but the college I attended, employers were not impressed with, in fact some even mocked my education at DeVry University.
The dark path I continue to walk is I failed to go to a good school like USC, UCLA, even a Cal state, which I attended right out of high school, but it was very challenging I left in the first semester which was a big mistake, huge regret, but I was young and scared. I can’t help but ask myself why I can’t just accept myself, accept where I am today and appreciate how far I have come, but I cannot because as I look around, I can’t help to ask the question what that person has that I don’t.
I guess the proof is in the pudding as many of those I have looked at have incredible advantages. If we look at celebrities for instance, many are insanely talented whether they are musicians, actors or both. In a business leader or politician, they may have gone to I.V. league colleges, or they came from wealth, or both.
It takes People and a little push
Ultimately it also takes people, people who believe in us to help us succeed, it takes other to wish to assist and uplift us, something that I don’t believe I have ever had as I have never even had a promotion before. I can’t and won’t say I haven’t gotten almost every job I’ve applied for and for companies I have wanted to work for, which has been great, but those positions led me nowhere, no advancement or promotions but just disappointment in the lies of the employer on giving a damn.
What I need is a fresh start for myself and my family, especially my wife and daughter who I never wanted to experience this type of disappointment. I know I am not alone, in our career disappointments, as it gets to the point where we tell ourselves we should just be happy we have a job, there are many people who don’t have jobs and would love to have our jobs, yes, I get it.
I truly do wish I had my own Groundhog day, like Bill Murray had being able to relive, relearn life perfecting it over and over again. Not to get morbid, but surely take part in the different of ending ones like he did, which when you think about it I was 14 years old, luckily I didn’t have suicidal ideation in that age or I probably would have tried myself much sooner in life.
The truth is there is nothing special about me in the sense although we are all unique with all our own abilities and talents. Since there is nothing inherently special about me, who is really going to miss my existence if I am not here, other than my family. We live in a world where the world mourns when “Special” people pass on. I am trying to make some attempt to leave behind some form of legacy in my writing, but again I am not Stephen King or well-known author. It’s possible that I pass my books could be known but maybe that’s long after I am gone, like an artist.
I can imagine, that like George Orwell who passed at the age of 46, later becoming world famous for his books, or my favorite painter Vincent Van Goah who died at 37 years old. As a writer I can’t help to think that I write for the love of writing and to get stories to the world, but does help to get world recognition for being a good writer, to get validated that my words have value to others and not think of myself as a failure even as writer, but need to remember there are many who don’t get recognized, who don’t get world publishers from the top three, along with the money that comes from those books securely my future and my families futures.
I will say that do have more books I wish to write before my passing, books that I feel are interesting that could bring multiple stories lines and even multiverses. What I can say for this point in time is the books I have written are books that I can say have every bit of myself in those books and if I am no longer here, my family will have a piece of me to last for future generations.
At 45 years old, my mental state continues to get worse, as like any person I grower older, looking back at my life, my failures, my regrets realizing that although I should have a long life to live, I personally don’t feel I have much time to succeed in this life at this this mid-life as anything could happen, as my books could get discovered by Hollywood and some producer could turn one or all of my books into blockbusters movies, making me insanely rich living a life of leisure, I can dream.
For now, I live through my writing, through my world building and characters that don’t always have happy endings, but some do that would keep me going for now. Its not lost on me that looks can be deceiving for those we think are doing well, in actuality are not financially off, but live with their own demons, yet we as society don’t always see that. For those who read my posts I may come off as unhinged, maybe I need to slow down, maybe I need to be placed on meds to allow my brain to just stop thinking all the time and I am not opposed to medication just as long as it doesn’t affect my weight like weight gain, as knowing myself that has a effect over my mental state in how I see myself.
Apart of me believes that because we live in world so focused on materialism, consumerism that the effects of what is happening to me in my comparison of others is what should be happening in that its what society wants and expects to happen in telling me my life has no meaning if I don’t live a life like a celebrity, like a person of great success and that my existence has no value. I do know GOD says I am important which should be all the matters and not that GODS word don’t matter of course they do and its not I don’t believe his words of course I do but telling my brain that is another story as I am often conflicted.
Thank you for joining me as you went down the rabbit hole of my mind, until the next adventure.
Joe Meyers Adventures 