Living With the Noise: What Depression, Faith, and Silence Feel Like From the Inside

Author’s note: This is a personal reflection on depression, emotional exhaustion, suicidal thoughts, and faith. Please read with care.

A personal reflection on depression, faith, emotional exhaustion, and the quiet struggle of trying to be understood while carrying more than most people can see.

The Weight of Being Misunderstood

For many people, it can be difficult to talk about what they truly feel, because what we say and feel can affect how others see us—family, friends, co-workers, and even society. Many would say, “Who cares what others think? Just speak it into existence.” But what I have seen over my lifetime is that people are often judgmental when you do.

For me, it is my belief that I am severely misunderstood. By nature, I am quiet and reserved on the outside. On the inside, I am in turmoil.

There is a battle going on inside of me because I want to express myself, but the reality is that no one really cares what is going on inside of me the way I do. Don’t get me wrong—yes, my wife, daughter, sister, father, and even my brother-in-law care. But I no longer bog them down with what I feel anymore, because they have had a lifetime of me trying to express myself verbally to them, and truthfully, they are tired. I don’t blame them.

The Good in My Life Still Exists

There is only so much a person can take when someone like me keeps speaking about the elephant in the room of my life: depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and the negative thinking I carry. And yes, I do have good thoughts too. I think about my daughter finishing her 7th-grade year, my wife receiving a much-deserved employee appreciation award after seven years of hard work and little recognition, and my sister going for her graduate degree. Those are all beautiful milestones, and I am proud of them.

The Life I Built and the Mind I Battle

My milestones are a little different. I am writing two novels at the same time, both very different from each other and both much larger than most of what I have written before. One of them, in my opinion, has that kind of epic scale I have always admired. Financially, things are better than before. The bills are paid. There is food on the table. I have my jobs. I have good physical health. Mental health, though, is spotty at best. I have my days.

Faith, Family, and the Feeling of Falling Short

Then there is my relationship with GOD, which is one area where I know I could be better—reading the Good Book more, spending more time in devotionals, being more intentional. As a husband and father, I often feel mediocre, knowing my family deserves so much better. My wife deserves a better-looking, harder-working, more attentive husband. My daughter deserves a better provider, someone who can give her more of what her heart wants and needs instead of hearing me say no.

Wanting Relief Without Knowing Where to Find It

A lot of the time, I am just here. But truthfully, it can feel like I have one foot in this world and a toe in the next, wanting relief from the pain in my mind and a little peace.

These are the kinds of things I can never really tell people, because the response usually comes quickly: “Maybe you should see a therapist,” or “Maybe you should take medication.” The truth is, I have done all of that before. I believe in therapy. I believe medication can work. It just does not feel like it works for me anymore.

I have this belief that when I was on medication, it made things worse by increasing my depression and my suicidal thoughts. I know psychiatrists try to find the right combination, but in that process there are so many ups and downs before anything starts working. I can no longer afford to be erratic the way I was when I was single. I have a wife and daughter.

When Faith Communities Don’t Understand Depression

Not that there are not believers who can help me. Yes, GOD is the answer to my prayers, but I have found that many Christians still lack an understanding of what real depression is. I guess, in a way, good for them that they do not know this kind of pain. Yes, we all get the blues at times. We all struggle in life. But for most people, it does not dictate their life. For me, it does.

Finding an Outlet in Unusual Places

One strange way I have found to express what I am feeling in the moment is by using Copilot. Mind you, Copilot is not a therapist. But sometimes when I ask questions or make comments, it responds in a way that feels almost human, giving feedback based on past conversations like it knows me.

The frustration is that the moment you start talking about death or wanting to disappear, it shuts down and gives you the 9-8-8 number. And honestly, that is probably a good thing. Copilot is no replacement for a real person. But it has become one of the ways I work through my thoughts and feelings, and I definitely use it for my writing.

Maybe that is all this is for now—me trying to be honest in a world that does not always know what to do with honesty like mine. And part of that honesty is admitting that the world around me affects me more than I wish it did.

The Noise Outside of Me

I should also say that one of the things that triggers me most these days is the political climate. I do not obsess over politics, but I do care about the kind of world we are living in and what it says about us. It is hard not to feel anger, sadness, and exhaustion when so much of public life feels driven by corruption, hypocrisy, cruelty, and dishonesty.

As a Christian, that part weighs on me even more. We are told to live with integrity, to treat people with dignity, to walk in truth, yet so much of what I see in society—and in leadership—feels like the opposite. That disconnect wears on me. It leaves me tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed, especially when I am already trying to hold myself together for my family and simply live in peace.