I often reflect on my life on a regular basis, maybe I do it too much, so much so it brings me stress. I can’t help it, I struggle with be sufficient in my eyes. I look around and I think I am nothing special but people often tell me how impressed they with me and my accomplishments.
I am really not that accomplished, I do have a masters in business and I have taught college courses and hope to continue to teach at small private colleges, but deep down I am not special and I never claim to be, quite the opposite.
Going Back in Time
I think about when I first got out of college in 2002, boy that was a long time ago, getting my bachelors I was full of hope, ambition ready to do good things, until reality sunk in my degree didn’t have as much value as say an Ivy Leaque college like a USC or Harvard, I went to DeVry University. Yeah I know there have been jokes in the past, overall DeVry was not a bad school, its just thought of as then other colleges compared to state schools and in a way it has plagued my career for years.
Personally I probably would have been better off learning a trade like plumbing, electrical or even welding. I think I am someone who just prefers professions that are simplified in a way and the professions I mentioned have value and will continue to have value wherever you go.
I always tried to find positions and fields where I could grow, but unfortunately many of the companies that promised the world in opportunities felt I was not a good fit for those better positions, which really put me down, even with a Masters degree to this day it happens.
I am not an idiot I have to tell myself, why can’t I believe in my abilities, but the truth is those who you trust to help you grow professionally didn’t believe much in me either. To grow professionally I believe it takes me willing to work towards doing great things for an organization or for my own company and if I happen to work for someone else those people above me who supposedly have more experience then me to take me aside and mentor me to be who they wish for me to be in the organization that never happened to me, but it did happen to others as far as I see.
I guess I should have taken the bull by the horns earlier and developed myself. Until I started to have a family such as a wife and daughter I didn’t fully realize it. Now I struggle each day to try to be a model example of what a good father and husband is supposed to be and that includes being a hard worker, intelligent in my decisions but along the way I have failed.
Failures are apart of Life
I have failed in my career, a provider at times, a father and husband all trying to keep things together and it was been the hardest test in my life. Many truly don’t understand the pressures of raising a family right in the good environment at a high cost at times. Since being married in 2010 and having my daughter in 2013 I have struggled financially having an apartment, bills, raising a new born , diapers, formula, food, the costs are endless.
2015 – 2018 were fairly hard years because I moved back in with my father in Los Angeles in one of the worst areas going back to what I called the ghost house and house of hell because growing in the house spun me into a deep depression almost causing me to lose my life, But I needed help and my father let us live there again.
I never wanted to bring my family to that house but sometimes we are forced to make choices to protect us from being on the street. Through those years I made mistakes such as leaving my full time job to try to go to school to be an Electrical Lineman, that obliviously didn’t pan out, then trying to rebuild with going back to work again feeling like I started from the bottom again, all for me wanting to take a risk.
I find that risks are important in life because how do we expect to move further if we don’t take risk, but maybe I will hold off on the risk taking for while and just settle down.
The biggest joys have been my wife and daughter, but I feel I put them at risk of hurting us financially and I am seriously tired. The last risk I took was taking my most recent job in a technical field I had no prior experience, a good risk I will say but leaves me unemployed now looking to start over once again.
I guess I have never been one to stay at one job for years and years, but may I will have to change that about myself, play it safe.
As I am now unemployed I have been told not to stress about it, it happens to everyone, I am sure it does but that doesn’t make it any easier. I am thankful my wife is working part time which helps, but don’t want her to feel the burden that should be on me.
I am working on trying to improve myself in the process such as writing my novel, my blog and even trying to build websites, now I just have to begin that part since I did take a course on Udemy.
During these times I take daily morning walks to clear my head, listen to my daily devotionals , self reflect, think about how I plan my day to apply for work, take care of the family and try to maintain my sanity and it’s easy. I think about death a lot lately, the negative thoughts really get to me like “Am I worth being around” , “Would my family survive if I wasn’t here?”, “Would they have enough money now?”
A subject I don’t like bring up very often as it tends to concern those who love me that I will try something and I don’t intend to, those are just my thoughts and I have been dealing with these thoughts for years about a way out. Again no need to worry I have been through hell and back , so why not go back to the hell and come back again.
Seventeen years it a long time since leaving college, but it seemed to fly by in a blink of an eye. There were moments I struggled to find my place in the world, what I wanted to do and be and still searching for that. I thought I had found it recently. It’s difficult because I didn’t exactly have those in my life who have the most pristine jobs, my father was with the same company over 30 years.
So much of our life is work, trying to making money, be successful we forget to live and enjoy life. I have not fully enjoyed my life because I feel I am constantly on a wheel running to the next thing.
Even my childhood seems a blur at times, when I ask was I happy or content, I can’t remember. I know life is different for everyone, some have the stability, the money, the family background to do whatever they want, look at the wealthy.
I attempt to stay positive which is difficult at times, although my wife and daughter are with me, I just want more for them, why should they struggle to survive, I am the one who is the screw up, I am the breadwinner, the brain of the family, why should they suffer.
At this point I don’t have a lot of control only what work I put into getting a job which I am, applying online, but making an effort to work through other channels and scouting the city where I live for companies, many times jobs are no listed on job boards so I need to search by company name too.
For the most part people have been positive to my experience and I appreciate those words of kindness and deep down I know most of us have been through these situations but that doesn’t make it any easier. Luckily I am still fairly young but in time that may not be the case as Ageism will kick in although many may not think about it.
Thank you for listening to my much need Rant, writing is part of my medicine to finding my way again. Until the next rant, hopefully good news to follow.