I often reflect on my life from childhood until today recounting those of life’s accomplishments and where I am today in my life. I can honestly say I have not accomplished as much as I had hoped but I believe its most due to my upbringing and my own self-destructive attitude at times.
Growing up being the child of divorced parents, I grew up with a Devil of a grandfather, my mother whom I loved and sister and father. Growing up I was always told how stupid I was , how I could do nothing right, this coming from a grandfather who I had the horror of living with most of my life.
Average from the Day I was Born
I was an average student in school from elementary to college never reaching my full potential in those years. I was a shy and quiet child growing up, showing respect towards my instructors at all times never getting out of line but I really stayed in the background never really raising my hand or taking risks in class.
I was bullied, the fat kid as I would regularly get made fun of , pick on , chased around school. Although the bullying wasn’t really physical, I was no beat up, but I was spit on once and there was a time in Middle school I attempted to defend myself and tried to kick another student only to be too slow and the other kid forced me to do the splits in front of my class.
I was always searching
I was always looking for someone to spend time with, a girlfriend even at a young age and often fought for the affection of girls getting rejected all the time. These girls were not the most attractive girls in my opinion or with the most sparkling personalities or even popular, but I was rejected. This happened throughout my life, but High school is particularly painful as I tried and tried and tried, failed.
There was one girl who I was very drawn to, her name was Ruth Milton, she hung out with the druggies and smokers, and I followed her. Often, we would hang out at the movies. Ruth was rail thin, blond hair, blues, and crocked teeth, but I didn’t care as being her friend was good enough for me, but over time my feelings really grew for her. At one point after high school was finished, I confessed my love for her but again she rejected me and never spoke to her after that.
I failed going to my first college out of high school Cal state Maritime Academy. I didn’t bomb out but was bombing my coursework especially college algebra and the failure was too much to handle so I left going back to the horror house and restarting once again at DeVry University, graduating in 2002.
I failed at Love
In college I failed at love too, finding one girl friend out of college who I met on Yahoo Personals, but that last a few months, her name Sylvia Gomez. I met other women in college, but I was too blinded to see what I had in front in me as many of them wanted relationships with me but I didn’t pursue for some reason, two I remember in particular Rachel and Liz, two good women, but one I felt just wanted me to get immigration status, both were students like myself at DeVry University.
I do regret not being more opened mind back then as I was in my early twenties, but I was struggling with my own life at those points, failing to see my true self. I am sorry to say my family was not there for me in that sense of providing encouragement as I grew to figure that on my own. Its incredible when there are those in our lives who encourage us, provide advise on how to be successful in life.
I failed at ending it all
Over the course of getting almost committing suicide in 2007 and surviving, then finding my future wife and then my daughter life has changed quite drastically for me over the years. I look back and reflect on those difficult times when I probably would have re-attempted to end it all but didn’t because of those now in my life.
I will say the reason I failed to end my life is probably because my sister just happened to be home when I was committing this act and saved my life as she removed the noose from around my neck and getting help right away.
I often don’t always talk about those moment as it makes people uncomfortable because many don’t take such drastic measures. Today I work, write, Teach, and try to live a life as a devoted family even though its pretty easy to fail today as even society wants to see us fail.
One of the things that keeps me going is my writing, blogging and vlogging now and can’t forget my podcast giving me the outlet I need to express myself.
Recently I attempted to express myself on LinkedIn causing alarm with my employer who I removed it. It really wasn’t about the company but about my failures and how I feel at times. I know we all walk a different walk, but I look at many even much younger than me and see how incredibly gifted many are today with the help of technology as well. I look at my daughter who is 9 and she even appears more gifted at her young age then I was at her age but that could be because she has a normal childhood unlike mine.
I know that sometimes we may not self-reflect on our lives, the past like I do only looking to the present and the future, but I believe the past is a way to see how and why we failed and if we continue to fail in our lives and if we do we need to change course.
I hard things is can no longer fail just by myself I have a wife and daughter who are affected, so I must be extra careful that my failures don’t hurt us.
On Paper I am Not a Failure
On paper I don’t look like a failure, but I feel I am, although I have what many want and don’t have a loving family. A wife and daughter I love who get to grow with me. Not everyone has that, many are alone thinking about ending it all today because what is the point of living without people in our life. I don’t agree with that but that’s not my mind or thoughts that yours or maybe someone you know.
I am trying to make up for lost time today focusing on my career more, my writing, building a legacy for my daughter and wife in case I am not longer here anymore.
The wheels in my mind turn constantly I wish I could just turn off my mind for a moment to enjoy life and appreciate what I have, but I can’t this me. I am no longer manic depressive, but depression is always apart of me, that is a failure I wish I could shake but can’t as I am stuck with it.
We must remember we all fail in life even though we look at others and see great success but maybe those people are failing internally, psychologically, health wise, but on the outside, they appear to have it all together.
Today we live in a visual world where we can crop out sadness and the realities of our life, make us appear happier, thinner living a grand life but its all illusion.
I hope one day, even on my last breath I can appreciate my failures have led me somewhere in this life, somewhere people will learn from my failures and accept their short comings and accept its apart of who they are. I can not accept my short comings but I know I have failed in this life , I’ve been failed by people in my life and I continue to fail because its pointed out what my failures are like Joseph you talk too much, Joseph your too emotional , Joseph there are far better people in this life then you who have done so much more already and they are much younger then you.
I will keep pushing forward
I will keep pushing the limits of myself, my mind, my career and teaching myself, my family why failures don’t have to stop them but force them to push harder against whose who say you CANT DO THAT. FUCK THOSE PEOPLE!
Stop listening to others’ opinions who have no value, who have no impact in your life. Opinions of politicians, world leaders, TV hosts who go home to their nice mansions with their fat paychecks acting as prophets to you and I FUCK THEM!
My mind is tired, so tired of trying to live up those who tell us we failed. We failed our companies; we have failed in life in reality they are the failures although society doesn’t see them that way because they have money and power to show they did something right in life. They got some poor suckers to believe their bullshit.
Some of you may say why the turn, because this is where we all need to realize that our failures are not always failures but because society , education and those around us don’t give a shit about us, never have, never will. We have to realize our own self potential as early as possible so we can go out to prove it to ourselves and the world.
Maybe I am not a failure after all, I just happen to have believe all my life because I trusted those in life like our companies who tell us we failed. STOP LISTENING TO THOSE WHO OPINIONS HAVE NO MEANING! Listen to that inner voice, that is the truth. Better Yet Listen to GOD as he will NEVER Lie to us, I know for a fact he tells me the truth, but that’s me.
Joseph’s Adventures in Writing 